The Fake News Nightly

(Crappo, Maryland) - As the expression goes, sometimes when it rains, it pours. In what many experts are calling “a growing trend,” more and more displaced workers are falling victim to foreclosure protection scams. In this new wave of of scams, people pay up front for assurances that they will receive help to pay their mounting mortgage payments.

Last December, Ophelia Payne only had enough money to pay a fraction of her mortgage. With her husband laid off eight months, her debt was mounting, and she was prepared to give up.

But while driving to her job as an investigator at the Chicago Better Business Bureau, Ophelia heard a radio advertisement promising protection from foreclosure. She breathed a sigh of relief.

She scraped together $1,200 to pay Mirage Loss Mitigation for its help to save her house, but found out four months later that her house had been foreclosed upon. With disbelief, she admits that she considers herself a victim. “I can’t believe I’ve become one of the hundreds of thousands of idiots I help in the Chicago BBB. I mean can you believe these dolts? They never stopped to think that the too-good-to-be-true quick fix available from Mirage might actually be a scam.”

Ophelia shared her expert observations, “The pitches seem so enticing.” Continuing, she said, “Imagine being so stupid as to believe a radio advertisements announcing: “I paid $2.99 and got $12,000. Claim yours!” or “New mortgage with low payments! No strings attached”

While local, state and federal authorities are trying keep up with consumer complaints, aside from going after fraudsters, officials say one of the best ways to protect yourself is to stop being a dumb ass. Ophelia added, “Yeah, that’s what we tell everyone. We say, get your head out of your ass and get a grip on reality.” When reminded that she had failed to heed her own advise, Ophelia had no comment.

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: respres

If you’ve been following the Fake News Nightly for any time, you might have noticed a bit of a gap between my last post and those from before. There’s a really good explanation, no, I was recently released from Guantanamo Bay after the recent announcements. While I’ve never publicly admitted it, I have Crohn’s Disease. So due to a recent flare-up, I was unable to fulfill my usual reporting responsibilities, but we’re excited to make a new announcement.

In a new series of investigative reports, Fake News Nightly will penetrate the dark inner secrets of this mysterious affliction. Using in-depth reporting of a probing nature, your host Mike Ock, will travel to where the sun doesn’t shine to get the dirty poop on this vile disease.

Discovered back in 1932, Crohn’s Disease is essentially what you get when your body starts to behave like your intestines, your esophagus, or even your anus don’t belong inside your body anymore. So your body in all it’s wisdom starts attacking the offending parts of your body. As you can imagine, the body parts that are affected are pretty upset about this attack, and proceed to go on strike.

As this little stand-off takes place you basically do what you feel. In other words, you feel like shit from all of the cramping, bloating, inflammation, pain, and fatigue. Then you shit, a lot. No matter what, no matter when, you’ve got to go, when you’ve got to go. Sometimes as many as 12 times a day. Which just makes you feel like that guy from the goatse photograph. Just think of the way you felt the first time you saw that, and you can get an idea what this particularly nasty disease is like.

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: pnoeric

Well I guess it’s alright to come out now. Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for my prolonged absence. While part of that absence, I’m not legally permitted to discuss, let’s just keep it at, “I was tied up with important things.” However, not only am I back from my “vacation,” I am pleased to announce that I’ll no longer be referred to as an “enemy combatant.”

The Obama administration said Friday that it would abandon the Bush administration’s term “enemy combatant” as it argues in court for the continued detention of prisoners at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba. Woo hoo! Boy am I glad to get that label off of my back. You don’t know what it’s like.

Of course, the Justice Department on behalf of the Obama administration did announce that the president has the authority to detain terrorism suspects without criminal charges. Speaking with the Fake Nightly News, Attorney General Eric H. Holder Jr., commented:

“They say that water and sleep deprivation can break your spirit but words will never hurt you. Well, we are here in court today arguing that words can hurt. One moment you are just a plain spoken terrorist with links to Al Qaeda, and the next moment everyone is calling you an enemy combatant. Of course, captured enemy forces, well yes, okay, you can call them prisoners. Doy! No I didn’t mean to say that, it just slipped out. Oh hell, who cares anyway? If you’re kneeling in the middle of the Caribbean wearing a hood, noise canceling headphones and blinders, well, you probably wouldn’t hear us anyway. We could call you an enemy combatant right in front of your “face,” and you still shouldn’t hear us. Wait a minute. Thinking through this, maybe we are misreading exactly why people dislike the Guantánamo Bay detainee facility. Maybe it is unpopular for other reasons. I’ll have to check into that and get back to you.”

You’ve had this happen to you, right? So you’re at the park playing with your son. Oh yeah and you’re both bears. Then Papa Bear (no not that Papa Bear, he doesn’t use toilet paper because he shits sadness, hate, and despair) notices that little Junior Bear has little toilet paper chunks clinging to his ass. Who hasn’t been in that position, right? I know that, personally, I love to play in the park naked with my son. Oh boy, good times. Anyway.

In an excluive interview with the Fake News Nightly, Papa Bear has finally broken his slience and spoken out about the abuses of big business. “I remember the day quite clearly. Me and Junior were at the park playing our usual game of terrorizing the tourists, when I noticed that his ass was covered with little turd and TP wads. It was soooo embarassing. We walked home in shame and that’s when we were approached by a representative of Charmin. He suggested that we use Charmin Ultra Strong. He said that if we liked it, he was interested in capturing our story and using it in a commercial. At first I was like: ‘Are you for real?’ Who’s gonna want to use toilet paper that bears use? I was thinking, ‘Doesn’t this nimrod know that we just wipe our ass on trees, bushes, or  grass? You know what ever’s handy?’”

Papa Bear continued, “I was a little skeptical at first, but after flashing all of those picnic baskets around, I said what the hey. He said it was going to be be tastefully done, but when I saw the depiction of my son with all of those TP wads stick to his ass, I was like this isn’t what I signed up for. My son and I feel totally degraded by the experience and are asking for an apology from Procter & Gamble.” When asked the status of his claim, he said, “well we’ve submitted our formal request for an apology, but we haven’t heard anything back. I think they’re giving us the cold backside.”

To gauge the public’s reaction to the bears in the commercial, we asked people walking in front of the FNN studios about the ad. One Mr. Seymour Butts responded unexpectedly. He said, “Bears? I don’t remember any God damned bears. All I remember is trying to wipe my ass with some wet toilet paper and a brick. Man that shit tore my ass up. I couldn’t sit down for a week. That’s the last time I take advice from cartoon bears.”

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: bookgrl

(Odd, West Virginia) While many acknowledge that the potential historic importance of this year’s election, many people who showed up for voting turned away in disappointment. In early reports trickling into the Fake News Nightly, apparently hundreds of thousands of people feel they were tricked into showing up at voting stations. They claim they were contacted by representatives of both the Obama and McCain campaigns and were told that the government would be handing out new economic stimulus checks at their nearest voting station.

According to one disgruntled voter, the message she received told her that if she was registered to vote and appeared at her designated voting location, a $600 check was waiting for her, and all she had to do was present her voter registration card. The young mother of two said that she felt betrayed and that she would have to cancel her plans of buying a new plasma television that she wanted from Walmart.

Representatives from both parties resolutely deny that any such calls were made, and countered with a proclamation of how proud they were of the voter turnout. Each party claimed that the historic turnout was a demonstration of the strength and vitality of the American democratic process.

When asked about the economic stimulus check scam, one voter responded, “Sombody’s got sum splaining to do. Ah mean, watz a brother hav ta do ta get a break? Sur I got me one of doz calls. I figur’d it sure would be fine to get me one of doz checks. I gots bills to pay. Since gas be coming down I got me a brand new used Chrysler Magnums, you kno, wit da hemi. Dat ride be fine. You know wha I’m sayin.” When asked for verification if the voter had actually received a call, he said, “Well ya no, I axually got a call fum my cusin, hez da one who told me bout it. I shudda known betta, dat boy be smokin up a lot of weed. He high as a kite most  of da time. Dat fool. Ima smack him upside his head when I sees him.”

(Happyland, Oklahoma) As the presidential candidates wind down their campaigns, 2008 will go down in history as the most costly election. The non-partisan Center for Responsive Politics is estimating that, in total, all of the candidates will have spent a record $2.4 billion for this election. To gauge the public’s opinion on this new mark for campaign spending, the USAToday.com and Gallop asked over a thousand people, “Has too much been spent on the presidential campaigns?” Today they announced the surprisingly results, 70% of Americans agree that there has been excessive spending.

In other polls conducted by the USAToday.com and Gallop, they’ve also determined that most people get cheesed when their neighbor buys a new car before they do. In addition, in a shocking poll, they’ve announced that it really sucks when your coworker either, gets a raise before you, gets to go on the boondoggle training trip, or gets the cubicle by the window. These alarming polls come after last week’s results which determined that very few non-exempt workers think it’s cool for their boss to demand that they stay late for work.

Willie B. Hardigan, Senior Poller with Gallop, shared his take on these results, “Yessiree, we’re really getting good at these polls. In our staff meetings we sit around and share ideas about what questions might make good polls. Although most of the staff participate in the meeting over the phone, I think we get some really insightful questions from the group. But I have to tell you, we get pretty upset when people claim that we ask the most obvious fucking questions possible. If the questions are so easy, why does everyone seem to quote our polls every time we announce our results? … That’s what I thought!”

Editorial by senior political correspondent for the
Fake News Nightly, Mike Ock

(Hanoi, North Vietnam) The Fake News Nightly has learned some shocking news concerning Republican Presidential candidate John McCain. Apparently during the late 1960’s and continuing for approximately five and a half years, Senator McCain palled around with terrorists from North Vietnam, a known member of the Axis of Evil.

According to various reports, during this time period, Mr. McCain stayed at the Hanoi Hilton, which I personally have never been too. But most Hilton hotels are rated extremely well, so I imagine it was pretty nice. We’ve learned that during his stay at the Hanoi Hilton Mr. McCain was involved directly in enhanced interrogation with high leaders of the North Vietnamese terrorism network. One source reports that during his stay Mr. McCain issued the following statement:

“I am a black criminal and I have performed the deeds of an air pirate. I almost died and the Vietnamese people saved my life, thanks to the doctors.”

I don’t know about you, but I’m concerned about Mr. McCain’s continued association with North Vietnamese terrorists; an association lasting over five years. Even more confusing, while he was in North Vietnam he claimed that he was African American, which many now view as a cheap attempt to pander to the African American voter base. Critics of these findings and Mr. McCain himself claim that he was not a guest at the Hanoi Hilton, but a prisoner of war and subjected to constant torture. However, when we contacted leaders of the North Vietnamese government, they deny aggressively that Mr. McCain was a prisoner of war, but merely detained as an “enemy combatant”. In addition, they strongly deny that he was tortured, claiming instead he was merely involved in negotiations involving “enhanced interrogation techniques.”

Senator John McCain seen swimming with North Vietnamese terrorists,
presumably at the pool of the Hanoi Hilton.

Who is the “real” John McCain? What really happened during his stay at the Hanoi Hilton? What are his connections to the Axis of Evil? Do we want someone in the White House who has negotiated, without precondition, with leaders of a terrorist state? My friends, I tell you, I for one do not!

(Kansas City, Missouri) As the the country groans in response to the record breaking fund raising of Barrack Obama, Senator John McCain may be groaning the loudest. In harmony with Joe Sixpack, who only fears that the new $150 million raised by Obama can only mean an unrelenting stream of political advertisements on television, Senator McCain is worried that he’ll have to suffer through more Obama ads while he’s watching Fox News.

The Democratic candidate’s one-month figure is nearly double what Sen. McCain received in public financing for the final two months of the campaign. This excess has allowed Sen. Obama to out advertise Sen. McCain. For the week ending Monday, Sen. Obama spent nearly $39 million on TV ads versus about $16.7 million for the McCain campaign combined with the Republican National Committee, according to a Democratic official with access to ad-tracking data.

Senator McCain added, ” I really don’t mind that he is winning in the  campaign finance game. We know how well that worked out for Senator John Kerry, don’t we?”, he said with a wink. Continuing, he said, “No, it’s not that at all, I’m just sick of seeing his face while I’m trying to relax and enjoy some fair and balanced news on my favorite Fox News program, “Hannity & Colmes.”

(Joes, Colorado) Today, a coalition of regular guys all over America, who all also happened to be named Joe have banned together in solidarity. The group is claiming that Joe the Plumber is receiving unfair attention. Joe Plumber became the latest media darling last week when he stopped Senator Barack Obama during a visit to his block. Then Joe the Plumber was rocketed into media stardom when during last night’s final presidential debate,  Senator John McCain invoked Joe the Plumber around two dozen times during the 90 minute debate.

In a press release from the “Coalition of Joes”, they state, “We, the Coalition of Joes are calling upon the presidential candidates and the media to stop using Joe the Plumber as a generic reference to the middle class. There are many hard working Joe’s all over these United States and we believe it is discriminatory to only reference Joe the Plumber. We call upon Joe the Newscaster, Joe the Pollster, and Joe the Cameraman to join us in solidarity.” The press release is signed by Joe Mechanic, Joe Blow, Joe Electrician, Joe Kerr, and Joe Sixpack.

In an exclusive interview with The Fake News Nightly, Joe Sixpack shared his indignation, “It really sucks. This guy comes out of nowhere and he gets all of this attention. It just goes to show you how fickle the media can be. One week you’re da shit, and the next week you’re like nobody. Know wha I’m sayin?”

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: atconc

(Santa Monica, CA) Leaders of the largest social network MySpace are noticing an overwhelming response to the release of their newest advertising product, MyAds. The new self service ad platform allows anyone to quickly create a targeted ad and serve it on MySpace. Currently, the platform only allows display ads. Users can choose between a 728×90 or 300×250 ad unit and can create an ad with pre-built templates and a Flash tool, or upload their own.

MySpace users responded quickly by increasing the sensitivity of their “Who gives a shit” (crap) filter. The filter, which has a surprisingly high accuracy, can correctly detect advertisements on the Internet. Once activated the filter will cause advertisements to fade into the background of a web page, causing them to appear nearly invisible. One user who asked to remain nameless, for fear of retaliatory suspension from MySpace, said “I think it’s really lame. I simply throw up the crap filter and keep on surfing profiles looking for new add opportunities. Who gives a shit about those lame ads?”

Chris DeWolfe, CEO of MySpace expressed frustration at the response to MyAds, “Man I just get so pissed. We’re trying to build a business here. Don’t these people understand this? I mean what are supposed to do? Just make everything on the Internet free and advertising free too?”