The Fake News Nightly

(Dayton, OH) Presidential hopeful John McCain made a surprising choice today for his running mate for the November elections. Ex-SNL and current 30 Rock start Tina Fey is his choice for Vice President. Fey is from way outside of Washington circles and many conclude that McCain is going directly after women voters with the selection.

(Denver, CO) Just imagine what Martin Luther King Jr. would have said 45 years ago to know that an African American has finally been nominated for President of the United States of America. Just picture the smile upon his face and the pride within this heart to know that his dream is still alive. And from where this humble reporter sits, I’d say that not only is King’s dream still alive, it is thriving.

After the most successful Democratic National Convention in this new millennium, Barack Obama seems to be surging and seems unstoppable. His vision of resurrecting America’s promise is a message of hope which makes it appear that nothing can stop him from taking the oath of office. Never before have I seen such a strong Democratic nominee, nation, we are witnessing the start of an inevitable force for change. Truly, never before have I seen a candidate more destined to become President, I see nothing that can prevent him from…

(Hold it, wait a minute, I’m getting news that there has been a confirmed threat against presidential candidate Barack Obama’s life.  And according to the Secret Service, one of the suspects, said that they did not have a political motive for killing Obama, but rather, as paraphrased by the government documents, “the only reason to kill Obama is because Obama is black.”)

Ok, I stand corrected. That would stop him, but that kind of craziness you can just never anticipate. So repeating, Barack Obama is coming off an incredible convention and is destined to become the next President of the United States, or be killed. Uhh, let’s hope for that first one.

(Washington, DC) Fannie Mae shook up its senior management in a move it said was designed to drive the mortgage company’s efforts to conserve capital and contain a surge in costs stemming from defaults by homeowners. They have decided to change their name. “Yes, frankly we are tired of everyone making fun of our name. We really felt it was starting to wear down the executive team,” said head the newly named company.

Niculescu added, “We hired a leading brand management company to assist us with deciding on a new name. We felt it was so critical to come up with a name that was going to lead us out of the crapper, oh can I say that here?” Fannie Mae has been hit hard in the recent sub-prime lending crisis and has paid dearly for it. Shares of the company are down about 90% from a year ago. So with their gaze cast forward, they believe their new name will soon be on the tips of everyone’s tongue as the emerge from an almost certain bailout by the US Treasury. Announcing boldy Niculescu said, “So it it is with great pride that I let you know that from now on Fannie Mae shall be known as Heinie Can. A strong name on which to hang the hopes of millions.”

(Crotch Lake, Ontario Canada) In yet another outbreak of the maddening platypus flu, the Center for Disease Control has issued an alert warning health care providers to be on the look out for any new outbreaks of the influenza. Shown here Anita Lay displays some of the characteristic symptoms of the strange disease. While the disease ultimately leads to dementia, loss of memory, and end in apparent brain death, one the initial symptoms include bugged out “crazy eyes”. In addition, patients will continuously attempt to make their lips look like those of a platypus, which gave the disease it’s cruel name platypus flu.

In the usual quiet town of Crotch Lake many parents are heard warning their children “If you don’t watch it, your face is going to freeze like that forever.” Platypus flu is limited to adolescent and pre-teen children, usually appearing as early as 8 or as late as 17. While patients may already be suffering the later stages of the flu at 18, there have been no new outbreaks in patients older than 18 years. One of the difficulties in early diagnosis of platypus fever, as it is also called, is that the symptoms resemble so closely to children just “horsing around.” Typically the only way accurately rule out just plain old tom foolery is a Magnetic Resonance Image of the cranium, or as parents have always referred to it, “getting you head checked out.”

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: Koramchad

(Bejing, China) Just days after the closing ceremonies, the The Beijing Organizing Committee for the Games (BOCOG) of the XXIX Olympiad has made a startling announcement. After evidence surfaced drawing into doubt the validity of the opening and closing ceremonies, the BOCOG has announced that both activities were the work of very sophisticated computer graphics. While a previous announcement by the BOCOG indicated that only a part of the dazzling opening ceremonies were digitally enhanced at broadcast, they are now confessing that the both productiona were computer generated.

It seems after months and months of preparation, the original ceremonies were just not impressive enough. Liu Qi, Presient of the Executive Board of the BOCOG, said, “After much practice, we decided to generate the ceremonies using computer graphics. We setup these huge green screens and recorded all of the athletes marching into the stadium. Then at broadcast time we used computer generated images to fill in the background and the performers. We wanted the Americans to fear us after they saw the opening ceremony, and the live production was just no intimidating enough.”

The Fake Nightly News has confirmed this with a number of athletes that took part in the opening or closing ceremonies. Andreas Thorkildsen, Finnish gold medal winner of the javelin said, “It was really, really weird working in front of the green screens, but the BOCOG told us that if we released any information about the staged production before the Olympics we were going to be disqualified. I worked too hard to take that risk. They looked like they pretty serious about this, so I didn’t mess with them.”

(Washington, DC) Today Vice President Dick Cheney departed Andrews Air Force Base en route to the war-torn country of Georgia. While the vice president’s office described Cheney’s trip only in the broadest terms, saying Bush wants his No. 2 to consult with key partners on matters of mutual interest, a source inside the White House described it differently.

The source, who only spoke to us under the strictest secrecy said, “With the conclusion of the Olympics the Vice President was visibly shaken by the good will and friendship on display. The spirit of human triumph and sportsman-like conduct had drained the Vice President of precious life sustaining evil. The positive feelings generated by these last two weeks was so powerful that it has started to place a strain on his heart. If he doesn’t take immediate action, his heart might grow 1/2 a size bigger. So to stop the risk of any permanent change, the Vice President is going to Georgia so that he can feast on the death and suffering.”

Our source informs us that, “He wants to see up close the corpses of some of the fallen soldiers and he hopes to talk to some of the grieving families. It truly is a perfect cover. While he appears to be showing great respect he secretly is feeding upon their pain to regain his strength. He will remain in Georgia “consoling” families until his strength is recovered.”

(Bejing, China) As the last firework dies out in the sky above the Bird’s Nest a stunned United States takes a moment to reflect. With China winning, for the first time, the most gold medals of any country, the nation is left wondering, “Is this the end? Is this the end of our short dominance of the Summer Olympics?”

It was just a short 20 years ago that China wasn’t even among the top ten countries in the medal count, and now they lead all other countries in gold medals. Many Olympic commentators are pointing to the immense investment China made in ‘Project 119′; an ambitious plan to focus on the competitions in swimming, track and field, and water events such as canoe and sailboat which represented 119 gold medals in past Olympic Games. Many are saying that what we have witnessed is the birth of a new Olympic super-power.

The Fake News Nightly went to the streets to get some reactions to these historic 2008 Olympics. Here are some of the reactions:

“Oh man, the Olympics were on? Are they over? Did I miss ‘em. Oh damn.”

“I know who to blame for this embarrassment! I blame Walmart. Man all they sell is crap made in China. They’re taking all the profits we send to them buying crap we don’t need and they are buying themselves gold medals. We’re shopping at Walmart for cheap toys and they are shopping in the Olympics for gold medals.”

“You know, I never really noticed it. But I heard a reporter mention something about a lot of products being made in China. So I started looking around my house and there wasn’t one thing I turned over that didn’t have ‘Made in China’ stamped on it. Oh dear that’s troublesome; have you heard the new season of American Idol starts in January 2009?”

(French Link, IN) Two year-old Megan Phillips is seen here admiring the world’s largest coffee table coaster in the pride of French Lick,”The Museum of Home Making Oddities”.

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: Team Frosick

(Bejing, China) Cuban fans erupted in violent jubilation at the conclusion of Cuban fighter Angel Valodia Matos’ Olympic taekwondo match. Valodia Matos was fighting with Cha Dongmin of South Korea for the bronze medal semifinal match in the 176-pound weight class.

As other witnesses report, after the violent eruption from the Cuban fans, Matos’ was so excited that he started kicking and punching at everyone around. The referee, identified on the match report as Klay Thomas of Switzerland, was the first innocent victim of what Matos would later call his ass-kicking victory celebration. While Thomas declared the South Korean the winner, Matos, and his adoring fans, misunderstood the decision and the celebration began.

In an exclusive interview with The Fake News Nightly, Matos shares his story, “I was very, very confused. I had been hit in the head many times, and my eyesight was a little blurry. When the referee pointed at the winner, I really thought he pointed at me. At that moment it was like a dream come true. All my life I have been training in Cuba for this, you don’t know what it’s like, I went crazy. It was going to mean everything, and then I just sort of went crazy. You know a happy kind of I’m going to kick everyone’s ass crazy. I was in my ass-kicking victory celebration zone.”

After kicking the referee, Matos went on to knock-out his trainer, the water boy, a couple of cheerleaders, and then finally a couple of his relatives who were watching in the stands. When the madness drained from his body, Matos was informed that he had lost the bronze medal. His only words were, “Can I have asylum here in China? Cause when I get home I’m goinna have some splaing to do to Fidel and Raul, maybe I not make it back for another Olympics. Maybe I not see the light of day every again. Please can I stay here?”

(Virginia Beach, VA) Holly Harris admits it. “Yeah I did it, that guy was a freaking creep,” exclaimed Harris. With disgust Harris recalls, “When he asked me to go to the beach on our second date, I was cool with it. I was like, sure why not, I’ll ask him to pick up some Smirnoff Ice and we can kick back on the beach and have a few laughs. But he was like always staring at my breasts and making these stupid-ass jokes.”

Nearly gagging at the memory, she continued on, “You ever heard that one where they say don’t sweat shit, because it could always be worse.  Yeah, no shit. Cause just when I was thinking man this can’t get any more lame when a group of this loser’s friends pop out of nowhere. So I’m having to be all civil and nice while they all keep checking out my tits. Then some guy whips out a camera. So my date says he wants a picture of us to post on his Facebook page and I’m totally freaking. I’m like there’s no fucking way I want to be associated with this dickhead. So while I’m panicking I snag my sunglasses and step into the shade of this umbrella. They were all so trashed they didn’t even notice. Note to self, next time I go to the beach on a casual date, no bikinis for me”

Photo courtesy of: Ricardo Michel Mapa