The Fake News Nightly

(Washington, DC) Congressional leaders gathered today after the $700 bailout failed to pass in the House of Representatives to declare a small victory in their long term plan to save the US economy. According to House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank, “We are following a strategy of tough love when it comes to the economy. We feel that it is very important at this stage in the crisis to not enable the many failing financial institutions. If we give them hope by buying their bad debt they’ll only repeat the same mistakes. It’s critical that the economy hit rock bottom and voluntarily admit that it has a problem before we extend a helping hand.“

Standing in solidarity with Frank, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi stated, “We know what it’s like to see someone go through this. Think of the economy like your alcoholic uncle or brother. Our purpose in working with the economy is to help it ‘to stay away from high risk and help other world economies to achieve a healthy level of risk.”

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson added, “Sure it’s painful to see the economy and all of our citizens suffer. No one wants to see anyone go through this, but if we don’t see this through, we’ll only be right back here in a few years at the same brink of economic collapse. After today’s record losses on Wall Street, I think we’re finally seeing some signs that the economy is on the verge of breakthrough. Everything is coming down around the economy, the mortgage crisis, the credit shortage, the tanking housing prices, and now the collapsing stock market. We can see the light at the end of the tunnel, we’re almost certain that the economy is close to admitting that it is powerless over risk. If that happens, then we’ll see the economy finally see that it has become unmanageable. When that happens, we’ll be there to help the economy pick up the pieces, but I assure you we’re committed to let the economy totally fail.”

(San Francisco, CA) In the latest round of financing, Digg.com, which is one of the leading web sites offering users access to the most pointless information on the Internet, was estimated to be worth $175 million. The web site typically provides links, which are provided by users, of the most trivial and useless information, applications, videos, and images on the Internet.

In a press conference announcing the $28.7 million series C investment by Highland Capital Partners, Digg.com CEO Jay Adelson commented, “While it seems that Digg is not Google material, the demand for useless crap seems to have no bounds. Need proof? Would you believe me if I told you that traffic to the site has doubled in the last year; reaching more than 30 million monthly unique visitors?”

The Digg.com web site allows users to vote on which links are a complete waste of time and which are only slightly useless. Adelson added, “We’ve been impressed with the massive drag on US productivity, so with the new infusion of capital, we are going to implement Digg’s international growth strategy, which includes plans to expand Digg into other languages. We are looking forward to offering stupid shit in any language; soon we will have employees all over the world wasting their employer’s time. It’s going to be really cool.” Adelson concluded, “It’s truly amazing that a website with so much crap on it could be worth $175 million.”

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: Thomas Hawk

(Washington, DC) In an interview Wednesday with CNN, the first lady, Laura Bush, said that Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin lacked sufficient foreign policy experience, but added that it was fortunate that John McCain did have foreign policy experience himself. Laura added, “You know it’s not unlike when George was campaigning for president with Dick Cheney, but like backwards, you know? It was George who lacked any real foreign policy experience, I mean heck, he was Governor of Texas, that’s nearly as far removed from foreigners as Alaska. Well there are a lot of Mexicans, but except for the illegals, they’re not much of a problem, right? So that doesn’t count.”

The first lady continued, “I’m thrilled to have a chance to vote for Palin on the GOP ticket. I think she has a lot of good common sense, which is really important for the potential leader of the most important country in the free world. It’s kind of fresh to have a journalism major enter the White House, not like all those stodgy lawyers that have been elected before.”

“I also think think that Palin is being treated unfairly because she is a woman. But I guess that is to be expected. I mean God knows if Obama had nominated Hillary Clinton instead of Joe Biden the Republican party would have been all over her like the sand covering our brave soldiers at war in Iraq,” said the first lady. In a follow-up question about Palin’s foreign policy experience, the first lady added, “I really don’t think her lack of foreign policy experience is going to be an issue. Just take my husband George as an example. As I mentioned he didn’t have much foreign policy experience and look at how great of a job he’s done! We’re all so proud of him!”

(Ordinary, KY) T-Mobile and Google have finally released the first version of the long awaited Google phone. Dubbed, G1, for Generic, release 1.0. The new phone is the first product powered by Google’s new open-platform mobile operating system called “Hemorrhoid.” Larry Page, co-founder of Google said during the release press conference, “While we may not be evil, that doesn’t mean we can’t be a real pain in the ass for all of the biggest technology companies we know.”

The phone was met with immediate questioning as to whether more time should have been taken to find a better product design. Many reporters and release party attendees felt that the G1 prototype displayed had a certain utilitarian look to it. Especially since many of those people already were carrying the sleeker and more elegant iPhone in their pocket or purse. When asked about the phones interface Page responded, “In this first release we focused on the functionality of the phone. We felt it was important to get this first release out early. Plus you have to remember that this was done by a bunch of engineers.“

With strong roots in the open source software community, besides running on top of Linux, Hemorrhoid also includes many other GPL, LGPL’d, and Apache Licensed components. In addition, the API of the Hemorrhoid platform is freely available, making the the first release of Generic 1.0 the most open smart phone on the market. “I think this accomplishment opens a lot of doors. For us, it’s a huge achievement, while it may not have the flash of an iPhone, the Generic 1.0 release is functional. With tight integration with Google Mail, Google Maps, we expect to release new versions rapidly and often. What can I say? It may not look pretty, but I assure you it works. It just works. And most importantly, it works on top of an open platform. The team of engineers that worked on the phone even adapted a new slogan. Open as in door, not open as in bar. We couldn’t be prouder”

(Redmond, WA) Unsatisfied from it’s unsuccessful bid to buy Yahoo Corporation, Microsoft Corporation completed a major purchase of Microsoft Corporation stock. Yesterday the company announced that they were buying $40 billion worth of Microsoft stock. The acquisition runs counter to a recent trend that has led many companies to conserve cash to cope with the slow economy and Wall Street’s meltdown.

Microsoft’s share purchase, to be spread over five years, is the single biggest repurchase disclosed this year, outstripping International Business Machines Corp.’s $15 billion plan announced in February. While the company continues to invest in online services despite the failed Yahoo bid, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer confirmed that “the stock repurchase signals the software maker isn’t planning any big acquisitions.”

The market reacted favorably to Microsoft’s purchase of Microsoft, as of 4 p.m. trading on the Nasdaq Stock Market, shares of Microsoft were up 24 cents at $25.40. Ballmer added,

“This is second massive purchase of Microsoft stock, as you’ll remember, we began buying $30 billion worth of Microsoft shares in 2004. Pretty soon we’ll have enough stock to complete our hostile takeover of Microsoft. As major shareholders of Microsoft we’re growing tired of their poor stock performance and their consistent production of inferior products. For the past six years the stock has traded below $30, and the Board of Directors of Microsoft believe it’s about time for a shake-up at Microsoft. We believe that with new leadership, the company can finally begin to address the stability issues of Microsoft Windows Vista. That should translate into a higher share price, which is what we’re most interested in at this time.”

(Hollywood, CA) Tonight, the new season of the highly successful television series Heroes premiered on NBC. After being cut short in the season-ending writers strike, the writers unveiled the most amazing super power yet seen on the science fiction program. In what many are calling the profit ability, the writers have forged a television show that turns a large collection of basically unknown actors into one of the hottest programs on the air and on the Internet. Through a combination of hi-tech special effects, compelling comic book story telling, and just the right amount of comedy and sexiness, Heroes continues to rack up large ratings.

Between the countdown to the season premiere and the back to back airing of the first two episodes of season three, “The Second Coming” and “The Butterfly Effect,” the ability to generate high ad revenues and high audience share could mean trouble for the other networks. But, perhaps the biggest challenge for the show’s new super power is winning back fans who were affected by last season’s super power, the boredom factor. Lulled nearly to sleep by the dreadfully long interlude in ancient Japan, the show has to come back with some surprises. If they can’t deliver what fans are longing for, maybe the creators will be forced to use one of the most frequent super powers used on the series. As fans have seen, whether it is self-healing, healing others, or the unexplainable circumstances that allows most of the characters to rise from the dead, no one seems to ever die on the show. So maybe the creators of Heroes can harness this never say die attitude to keep the show going for years, exploiting their profit ability.

(Fort Worth, Texas) In what many are calling the most aggressive attempt to increase revenues, American Airlines (AA) has announced that they will begin charging customers for breathing. On tickets bought October 31 and after, American will begin charging most customers $35 for breathing oxygen. While customers can bring specially designed oxygen containers which will be available from airport terminal vendors, all other customers must pay the new “oxygen” fee or face dire consequences. The fees apply only to flights within the USA and Canada.

The slight delay in implementing the new oxygen fee is necessary in order for AA to install personal oxygen regulators on all planes. When the new personal oxygen supply systems are in place, all passengers will be required to either pay the new fee or provide evidence that they have purchased a portable oxygen regulator prior to boarding. There will be a small fee of $5, for those customers providing their own breathable air. The delay will also provide time to setup oxygen kiosk vendors of in all domestic terminals.

It was only last May when American Airlines announced that they would begin charging customers for all checked bags, so, for many, the new oxygen fee seems excessive. In response to questions from The Fake News Nightly, AA CEO Gerard Arpey said, “While we understand that this new oxygen fee affects customers, we still believe that our pricing remains extremely competitive in the industry and continues to offer our customers ample choice and value.” Arpey concluded, “The bottom line is that our revenues, which include ticket sales and fees, must keep pace with our increasing costs. It’s not like oxygen is free, so we have to find creative ways to combat rising oxygen prices. At least the bathrooms are still free, well that is, for now they are still free”

(Climax, Michigan) Master Bation, Inc. has announced the availability of a new social network, MyPornSpace.com. The new social network, while designed to appeal to different target demographics is driven by a new patent pending social map connection system, which the company has dubbed the completion engine. While the social network was named and designed to resemble MySpace, Jack Knoff, founder and President of Master Bation claims to already have clearance from the MySpace.com legal department. “They said that we could launch the web site, but reserved the right to challenge the copyright violation at a later time. We figured, what the hell, if we can get a quick revenue stream going, it will be worth it. We can always migrate the web site to new domain.”

Master Bation decided to move into social networks as a result of recent report by Bill Tancer, general manager of global research at Hitwise. In his new book “Click: What Millions of People are Doing Online and Why It Matters,” Tancer claims that the increase in searches for social networking sites is directly affecting the number of searches for pornography , which are decreasing. “My theory is that young users spend so much time on social networks that they don’t have time to look at adult sites,” he says. “So we decided to go with the flow, instead of fighting it and combine pornography and social networks,” states Knoff.

MyPornSpace targets young urban professionals in the valuable 25-40 demographic. Within the new social network, interaction among users is anchored around virtual peep rooms which provide an easy way to manage one’s pornography collection, add shared movies and pictures, and receive personalized pornography recommendations. For models, actors, and publishers, MyPornSpace is a means of growing their brands and client bases at a low cost as well as improving customer service and building brand loyalty. Voyusers, which is what MyPornSpace calls their visitors, can share items from their pornography collection thus establishing a stimulating exchange with fellow voyusers. As voyusers add friends, they expand their network and increase their pornography network. A typical activity anticipated within the new social network is adding a comment on a voyusers profile thanking for the “monkey spank,” which is the action of adding a voyuser to your network.

“We’re looking to introduce young adults to a new world of social pornography. Although they do have to verify that they are at least 21 years old through a patent pending technology which asks them to enter their birth date. Then after analyzing a variety of proprietary variables, new users must “confirm” they are 21 by clicking on a button,” shared Knoff. Continuing, Knoff added, “We’re absolutely certain this will keep any one under 21 years old from entering the site. And I’m not just the founder of MyPornSpace, I’m also a voyuser. Look for my profile, I’ll be jackknoff.”

(Redmond, WA) In a surprising move, Microsoft Corporation has canceled the puzzling commercials featuring Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld. Referred to as those crazy ass commercials that don’t make any fucking sense, most television viewers had no clue what they were supposed to think about the spots. Many felt the commercials had a startling similarity to the television series Seinfeld, in that they seemed to be commercials about nothing.

To replace the ill conceived commercials, Microsoft is looking to leverage the popularity of television shows like The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and The Colbert Report in the critical 18-24 year old demographic. In a new series of advertisements, Stephen Colbert, author of the bestselling book “I am America (And so can you!) will attempt to rehabilitate the image of Windows by taking back the narrative and having a conversation about the real PC. The new ads, which will carry the theme “I am a PC (And so can you!)”, will show Microsoft “audaciously embracing” the phrase “I’m a PC.”

The counterattack strategy is typical for the ad agency, Crispin Porter & Bogusky , which was responsible for the successful advertising campaign for Burger King, which portrays a high-calorie meal as a rebellious personal choice for its target audience of young men. A Microsoft brand marketing manager told the The Fake News Nightly that, “Besides the TV ads, Microsoft is adding content to windows.com , creating a related site called lifewithoutwalls.com , and placing magazine and billboard ads depicting the process of restarting Windows after the ‘Blue Screen of Death.’ After seeing these advertisements everyone will recall just exactly what the real PC is about. Remember, just push the reset button!”

(Golden, CO) Yesterday between stops in Colorado, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama sat down with The Fake Nightly News. While the interview ranged over various topics, in this excerpt, Obama discusses the election and analyzes his campaign.

TFNN: “Some analysts are now wondering whether the McCain campaign is failing and has lost its way. What do you think?”

Obama: “I’d have to say that there is still a long time before the American people make their choice, so I think there is ample time for either candidate to lose this election. Frankly analysts say a lot of things, sometimes you agree with them and sometimes you don’t, but when they try to make it look like John McCain is doing something we aren’t, well it just gets my competitive juices going.”

TFNN: “So what are you saying?”

Obama: “I’m saying that people don’t really think I can lose this election, but you know what? They would be wrong. I can lose this election, I know I can. Gore blew his election, and so did Kerry. So it angers me when people think I can’t lose too. I can. And I’m willing to do whatever it takes to lose, just to show everyone what I’m capable of. I’m even willing to make some of the same mistakes as the Hillary campaign and the Kerry and Gore campaigns. I’m ready to go the distance to lose this election.”

TFNN: “You have mentioned that this election is about the issues, do you care to elaborate?”

Obama: “As I mentioned Gore and Kerry lost by focusing on the issues. And if I need to, I will too. If talking about the issues is going to make me lose the election, then I will. I will do whatever is necessary to lose in November. What people don’t understand is that voters seldom vote on the issues. Instead, they vote on five other factors — “character” factors: Values; Authenticity; Communication and Connection; Trust; and Identity. We’ve seen the light. When the Republicans attacked my charismatic leader persona, we gave up on it, why try to capitalize on that? That would just make our campaign stronger which is the exact opposite of what we are now shooting for.

So in contrast to our focusing on the issues what is McCain doing? Well, according to Rick Davis, McCain’s campaign manager, their campaign is “not about the issues.” You see we’re politicians we have to negate the other party, otherwise the voters will see that we’re not that different after all.

So in conclusion, our campaign is assuming that if you just tell people the truth, they will reason to the right conclusion. I trust the voters so much, I’m willing to let them reach the right conclusion, which is we’re right. And that’s what we are all about; being right. Of course, we’ll end up being right, but losing the election. Brilliant strategy, right? I knew you’d agree. Ha, and they said I couldn’t lose this election. I guess I showed them!“

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: othelmo da silva