Sep 09 2008
Hostile Takeover of Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae
(Washington, DC) While the negotiations have been dragging on for months, the United States taxpayers have finally succeeded in their hostile takeover of the mortgage industry, well at least the majority of it that is controlled by mortgage lenders Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. While the two lenders attempted to stop the transaction with a poison pill, they finally agreed to the $45 trillion price offered by the United States government, who was working as the unappointed negotiators for the US taxpayers.
The failed poison pill was a clever strategy of horribly mismanaging the companies until they had been completely fucked up beyond all recognition, or what is technically known as the “fubar” strategy. While the “fubar” ploy has been used successfully by ENRON and Worldcom in destroying all company value, according to shareholders of the two companies, “While we still have complete confidence in senior management’s ability to lead and provide share value growth, we just couldn’t resist all of the 0’s. We’re talking not 9, but 12 zeros behind that 45.”
“You can call it a bailout, you can call it a safety net or you can call it a rescue package, but the bottom line is the American taxpayer is now the proud owner of two really screwed up companies,” says Richard Yamarone, director of economic research at Argus Research. In an interview with The Fake News Nightly, one of the new owners of the two companies said,
“While they say the companies haven’t been at imminent risk of collapse, I’ll tell you what, they sure have fucked up my retirement plans. With deep losses from the housing meltdown, I don’t know if I’ll be able to sell my house for what it used to be worth. I was counting on that money to move to Florida and buy a nice little apartment for the missus and I. I couldn’t give a shit about the investors, I’m just hoping that this crazy ass stunt is going to restore the value of my home. If it doesn’t, I don’t want to be the one to break it to my old lady, she can get pretty nasty. I’d rather lose my share of the $5 trillion than have to face her. So this shit better work!”
