(Happyland, Oklahoma) As the presidential candidates wind down their campaigns, 2008 will go down in history as the most costly election. The non-partisan Center for Responsive Politics is estimating that, in total, all of the candidates will have spent a record $2.4 billion for this election. To gauge the public’s opinion on this new mark for campaign spending, the USAToday.com and Gallop asked over a thousand people, “Has too much been spent on the presidential campaigns?” Today they announced the surprisingly results, 70% of Americans agree that there has been excessive spending.

In other polls conducted by the USAToday.com and Gallop, they’ve also determined that most people get cheesed when their neighbor buys a new car before they do. In addition, in a shocking poll, they’ve announced that it really sucks when your coworker either, gets a raise before you, gets to go on the boondoggle training trip, or gets the cubicle by the window. These alarming polls come after last week’s results which determined that very few non-exempt workers think it’s cool for their boss to demand that they stay late for work.

Willie B. Hardigan, Senior Poller with Gallop, shared his take on these results, “Yessiree, we’re really getting good at these polls. In our staff meetings we sit around and share ideas about what questions might make good polls. Although most of the staff participate in the meeting over the phone, I think we get some really insightful questions from the group. But I have to tell you, we get pretty upset when people claim that we ask the most obvious fucking questions possible. If the questions are so easy, why does everyone seem to quote our polls every time we announce our results? … That’s what I thought!”

Editorial by senior political correspondent for the
Fake News Nightly, Mike Ock

(Hanoi, North Vietnam) The Fake News Nightly has learned some shocking news concerning Republican Presidential candidate John McCain. Apparently during the late 1960’s and continuing for approximately five and a half years, Senator McCain palled around with terrorists from North Vietnam, a known member of the Axis of Evil.

According to various reports, during this time period, Mr. McCain stayed at the Hanoi Hilton, which I personally have never been too. But most Hilton hotels are rated extremely well, so I imagine it was pretty nice. We’ve learned that during his stay at the Hanoi Hilton Mr. McCain was involved directly in enhanced interrogation with high leaders of the North Vietnamese terrorism network. One source reports that during his stay Mr. McCain issued the following statement:

“I am a black criminal and I have performed the deeds of an air pirate. I almost died and the Vietnamese people saved my life, thanks to the doctors.”

I don’t know about you, but I’m concerned about Mr. McCain’s continued association with North Vietnamese terrorists; an association lasting over five years. Even more confusing, while he was in North Vietnam he claimed that he was African American, which many now view as a cheap attempt to pander to the African American voter base. Critics of these findings and Mr. McCain himself claim that he was not a guest at the Hanoi Hilton, but a prisoner of war and subjected to constant torture. However, when we contacted leaders of the North Vietnamese government, they deny aggressively that Mr. McCain was a prisoner of war, but merely detained as an “enemy combatant”. In addition, they strongly deny that he was tortured, claiming instead he was merely involved in negotiations involving “enhanced interrogation techniques.”

Senator John McCain seen swimming with North Vietnamese terrorists,
presumably at the pool of the Hanoi Hilton.

Who is the “real” John McCain? What really happened during his stay at the Hanoi Hilton? What are his connections to the Axis of Evil? Do we want someone in the White House who has negotiated, without precondition, with leaders of a terrorist state? My friends, I tell you, I for one do not!

(Kansas City, Missouri) As the the country groans in response to the record breaking fund raising of Barrack Obama, Senator John McCain may be groaning the loudest. In harmony with Joe Sixpack, who only fears that the new $150 million raised by Obama can only mean an unrelenting stream of political advertisements on television, Senator McCain is worried that he’ll have to suffer through more Obama ads while he’s watching Fox News.

The Democratic candidate’s one-month figure is nearly double what Sen. McCain received in public financing for the final two months of the campaign. This excess has allowed Sen. Obama to out advertise Sen. McCain. For the week ending Monday, Sen. Obama spent nearly $39 million on TV ads versus about $16.7 million for the McCain campaign combined with the Republican National Committee, according to a Democratic official with access to ad-tracking data.

Senator McCain added, ” I really don’t mind that he is winning in the  campaign finance game. We know how well that worked out for Senator John Kerry, don’t we?”, he said with a wink. Continuing, he said, “No, it’s not that at all, I’m just sick of seeing his face while I’m trying to relax and enjoy some fair and balanced news on my favorite Fox News program, “Hannity & Colmes.”

(Joes, Colorado) Today, a coalition of regular guys all over America, who all also happened to be named Joe have banned together in solidarity. The group is claiming that Joe the Plumber is receiving unfair attention. Joe Plumber became the latest media darling last week when he stopped Senator Barack Obama during a visit to his block. Then Joe the Plumber was rocketed into media stardom when during last night’s final presidential debate,  Senator John McCain invoked Joe the Plumber around two dozen times during the 90 minute debate.

In a press release from the “Coalition of Joes”, they state, “We, the Coalition of Joes are calling upon the presidential candidates and the media to stop using Joe the Plumber as a generic reference to the middle class. There are many hard working Joe’s all over these United States and we believe it is discriminatory to only reference Joe the Plumber. We call upon Joe the Newscaster, Joe the Pollster, and Joe the Cameraman to join us in solidarity.” The press release is signed by Joe Mechanic, Joe Blow, Joe Electrician, Joe Kerr, and Joe Sixpack.

In an exclusive interview with The Fake News Nightly, Joe Sixpack shared his indignation, “It really sucks. This guy comes out of nowhere and he gets all of this attention. It just goes to show you how fickle the media can be. One week you’re da shit, and the next week you’re like nobody. Know wha I’m sayin?”

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: atconc

(Santa Monica, CA) Leaders of the largest social network MySpace are noticing an overwhelming response to the release of their newest advertising product, MyAds. The new self service ad platform allows anyone to quickly create a targeted ad and serve it on MySpace. Currently, the platform only allows display ads. Users can choose between a 728×90 or 300×250 ad unit and can create an ad with pre-built templates and a Flash tool, or upload their own.

MySpace users responded quickly by increasing the sensitivity of their “Who gives a shit” (crap) filter. The filter, which has a surprisingly high accuracy, can correctly detect advertisements on the Internet. Once activated the filter will cause advertisements to fade into the background of a web page, causing them to appear nearly invisible. One user who asked to remain nameless, for fear of retaliatory suspension from MySpace, said “I think it’s really lame. I simply throw up the crap filter and keep on surfing profiles looking for new add opportunities. Who gives a shit about those lame ads?”

Chris DeWolfe, CEO of MySpace expressed frustration at the response to MyAds, “Man I just get so pissed. We’re trying to build a business here. Don’t these people understand this? I mean what are supposed to do? Just make everything on the Internet free and advertising free too?”

(Dallas, TX) In yet another defeat of a number one ranked team, the Oklahoma Sooners fell to the Texas Longhorns in the Cotton Bowl. So far in the 2008-2009 Bowl Championship Series (BCS), there have been 2 major upsets. Oklahoma has followed USC, when they lost to Oregon State two weeks ago.

John G. Peters, President of Northern Illinois University and a member of the BCS Presidential Oversight Committee, commented upon the Sooners loss, “I mean really. What are these teams trying to do? Fuck up the whole BCS for everyone? Hey I’ll be the first to admit that the whole formula is a little complicated to explain, but when number 1 teams keep losing, it really screws things up. If it keeps going like this, we’ll see Ball State ranked number 1 before too long.”

In the long 103 game history of this rivalry, never before in their history have the two teams combined to score this many points, 80. Texas quarterback Colt McCoy, who lead the Longhorns to a victory with two touchdowns in the fourth quarter, said “Oh man, now the pressure is on us. We’ve got Missouri next week, and I can see us fucking up the whole thing.” When asked about a potential loss by Texas when they host Missouri, Peters added, “Those little shits had better bring their A game. We don’t want any more disruption this early in the season. I mean can you imagine if this keeps up, we’ll have Texas Tech playing Utah for the championship, that would really suck. It would kill ratings.”

(Relief, KY) Naughty America, a porn production company in Southern California, has launched an Adobe Air-based storefront which may soon be called the “iTunes for Porn.” The new store is called Naughty America Direct and features full-length DRM-free scenes for $1.99 that are fully cumpatible with the iPod and iPhone.

Many experts in the moble hand-held gadget field believe that the new storefront will create more problems than when a stunned American Airlines started to offer free WIFI service on domestic flights, to only find passengers using the service to watch pornography. Gadget guru Harry Johnson said, “With all of the iPods and iPhone out there, I can guarantee you that people are going to be watching Naughty America Direct scenes all over the place. The price per clip seems pretty much perfect: it’s less than a large coffee at Starbucks, and will provide me with several times the enjoyment.”

When asked about the potential for public disruption and inappropriate viewing, Naughty America’s law firm, Dixon, Cox, and Peters, respnded, “We trust that all of Naughty America Direct’s customers will exercise great discretion when viewing the downloaded clips. However, we feel that we are only responding to pent-up demand and providing some relief.”

Jack Goff, a spokesman for Naughty America, added “Why should people pay $30 a month for scenes you won’t ever watch? With Naughty America Direct, you only pay for the quality adult entertainment you want. Naughty America Direct makes it easy to purchase and download the best adult entertainment on the market. And with our ever-growing content library, you’ll always be able to enjoy yourself. Of course, only privately, and with great discretion. And remember, when it comes to mobile pornography, nobody does it better!”

(Los Angeles, CA) In a crushing loss for loyal Chicago Cubs’ fans, the Cubs lost 3-1 to the Los Angeles Dodgers. The loss meant a second straight season where the Cubs made the playoffs only to be swept in the first round. Unbelievably, between the two playoffs, the Cubs have only scored 12 runs in 6 games.

Many fans began asking, “How can a team with the best record in the National League flunk this badly and depart so early in the playoffs?” adding, “It’s more than a little mysterious.” Or is it? A rumor is surfacing that some of the Cubs key players actually enjoy playing on the team which has gone the longest with out winning a World Series.

A source close to the team claims that Cubs outfielder Alfonso Soriano, who went 1 for 14 in the series and was a strikeout victim for the final out of the Cubs’ season, is rumored to have said, “You wouldn’t believe the pity trim I get for playing for the Cubs. It’s like unbelievable, do you think I would jeopardize that? If we won, we’d be just like the Boston Red Sox. I’ve talked to those guys, and they told me they used to get freaky a lot more often before they won back in 2004. You hear what I’m saying?”

In a final interview, Chicago Cubs manager, Lou Piniella, commented, “Well this is sure a heart breaking loss for Cub fans. They really thought this was going to be their year, what with this being the 100 year anniversary since the Cubs last World Series Championship. But what can you do? Maybe next century.” Piniella then gave a wink, a small smirk, and walked away.

(Paris, France) In a speech Thursday at Club Informatique des Grandes Entreprises Françaises, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer announced Microsoft’s plan to enter into the cloud computing fray. “Just as we have an operating system that crashes on the PC, on the phone, and on the server, we need a new operating system that will also crash on the Internet,” Mr. Ballmer said during the speech.

Ballmer added, “I bet we’ll call it Windows something. We are clever that way, you know. We’re going to announce it in four weeks, but who knows when we’ll actually release it. For now we’re calling it Windows Vapor. We were tempted to call it simply Windows Cloud, but given our track record of missing release dates, we figured we would have a little fun and call it Windows Vapor. You get it, as in vaporware. But seriously there is a scientific reason we picked Windows Vapor. You see clouds are mostly composed of water vapor, which forms small droplets of ice crystals. When surrounded by billions of other droplets or crystals they become visible as clouds. So you see in a very scientific way, vapor is the main component of clouds, thus making Windows Vapor, quite appropriate.

“Windows Vapor will be a place where you can run arbitrary applications up in the Internet, well not arbitrary, they’ll have to be .NET applications. So we need to remake our development platform. We’re tentatively calling the next version of our award winning development platform Visual Studio Vapor, which should be available some time in the future.”

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: Swamibu

An Editorial by Mike Ock

Today I had the strangest feeling. And I’m sorry if this gets too personal, but I’m just relating what I felt. Late in the afternoon, I had the overwhelming sensation that something was attempting to penetrate my anus. Since this was such an unexpected sensation, I instantly clenched my butt checks together. However, the sensation grew more intense and the pressure on my ass intensified.

After resisting this sensation for what seemed like hours, but was really more like minutes, I grew exhausted and surrendered. I wasn’t prepared for what happened next, I definitely felt something ram into my ass. The pressure was insane as the sensation grew and receded in a rhythmical pattern.

After this went on for a few minutes it finally dawned on me, someone was plowing my backfield. It was unmistakable. Someone was definitely having their way with my back door. Now I’m not a stranger to driving the Hershey highway. Occasionally the missus will get randy and encourage me to go to brown town, but I’m always pitching. For the first time I had the overwhelming sensation of receiving. While the sensation continued I immediately gained a new found respect for my wife as the pain began to intensify in my rectum.

Thankfully after about fifteen minutes the sensation stopped. While the attack was over, my ass was still sore and I had a little bit of trouble walking. Checking around on the web, I’ve found similar reports by other people throughout the nation. Strangely enough the feeling happened at the same time all across the country. No suggestions have been made to explain this unusual phenomenon.

I for one found the experience extremely humiliating. I had the odd feeling that somehow I had been used, raped even. Of course the notion of being sodomized by a phantom assailant was not something I was going to forget anytime soon.And I don’t that other victims around the country will either. I will offer a little friendly advice. If you don’t have a tube lying aroun, head to the pharmacy and buy some Preparation H , it helps, a little.

In other news, this afternoon the House of Representatives passed the $700 billion bailout plan and  President George Bush immediately signed the plan into law.

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: Jorge De Silva