The Fake News Nightly

You’ve had this happen to you, right? So you’re at the park playing with your son. Oh yeah and you’re both bears. Then Papa Bear (no not that Papa Bear, he doesn’t use toilet paper because he shits sadness, hate, and despair) notices that little Junior Bear has little toilet paper chunks clinging to his ass. Who hasn’t been in that position, right? I know that, personally, I love to play in the park naked with my son. Oh boy, good times. Anyway.

In an excluive interview with the Fake News Nightly, Papa Bear has finally broken his slience and spoken out about the abuses of big business. “I remember the day quite clearly. Me and Junior were at the park playing our usual game of terrorizing the tourists, when I noticed that his ass was covered with little turd and TP wads. It was soooo embarassing. We walked home in shame and that’s when we were approached by a representative of Charmin. He suggested that we use Charmin Ultra Strong. He said that if we liked it, he was interested in capturing our story and using it in a commercial. At first I was like: ‘Are you for real?’ Who’s gonna want to use toilet paper that bears use? I was thinking, ‘Doesn’t this nimrod know that we just wipe our ass on trees, bushes, or  grass? You know what ever’s handy?’”

Papa Bear continued, “I was a little skeptical at first, but after flashing all of those picnic baskets around, I said what the hey. He said it was going to be be tastefully done, but when I saw the depiction of my son with all of those TP wads stick to his ass, I was like this isn’t what I signed up for. My son and I feel totally degraded by the experience and are asking for an apology from Procter & Gamble.” When asked the status of his claim, he said, “well we’ve submitted our formal request for an apology, but we haven’t heard anything back. I think they’re giving us the cold backside.”

To gauge the public’s reaction to the bears in the commercial, we asked people walking in front of the FNN studios about the ad. One Mr. Seymour Butts responded unexpectedly. He said, “Bears? I don’t remember any God damned bears. All I remember is trying to wipe my ass with some wet toilet paper and a brick. Man that shit tore my ass up. I couldn’t sit down for a week. That’s the last time I take advice from cartoon bears.”

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: bookgrl

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