The Fake News Nightly

(Crappo, Maryland) - As the expression goes, sometimes when it rains, it pours. In what many experts are calling “a growing trend,” more and more displaced workers are falling victim to foreclosure protection scams. In this new wave of of scams, people pay up front for assurances that they will receive help to pay their mounting mortgage payments.

Last December, Ophelia Payne only had enough money to pay a fraction of her mortgage. With her husband laid off eight months, her debt was mounting, and she was prepared to give up.

But while driving to her job as an investigator at the Chicago Better Business Bureau, Ophelia heard a radio advertisement promising protection from foreclosure. She breathed a sigh of relief.

She scraped together $1,200 to pay Mirage Loss Mitigation for its help to save her house, but found out four months later that her house had been foreclosed upon. With disbelief, she admits that she considers herself a victim. “I can’t believe I’ve become one of the hundreds of thousands of idiots I help in the Chicago BBB. I mean can you believe these dolts? They never stopped to think that the too-good-to-be-true quick fix available from Mirage might actually be a scam.”

Ophelia shared her expert observations, “The pitches seem so enticing.” Continuing, she said, “Imagine being so stupid as to believe a radio advertisements announcing: “I paid $2.99 and got $12,000. Claim yours!” or “New mortgage with low payments! No strings attached”

While local, state and federal authorities are trying keep up with consumer complaints, aside from going after fraudsters, officials say one of the best ways to protect yourself is to stop being a dumb ass. Ophelia added, “Yeah, that’s what we tell everyone. We say, get your head out of your ass and get a grip on reality.” When reminded that she had failed to heed her own advise, Ophelia had no comment.

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: respres

If you’ve been following the Fake News Nightly for any time, you might have noticed a bit of a gap between my last post and those from before. There’s a really good explanation, no, I was recently released from Guantanamo Bay after the recent announcements. While I’ve never publicly admitted it, I have Crohn’s Disease. So due to a recent flare-up, I was unable to fulfill my usual reporting responsibilities, but we’re excited to make a new announcement.

In a new series of investigative reports, Fake News Nightly will penetrate the dark inner secrets of this mysterious affliction. Using in-depth reporting of a probing nature, your host Mike Ock, will travel to where the sun doesn’t shine to get the dirty poop on this vile disease.

Discovered back in 1932, Crohn’s Disease is essentially what you get when your body starts to behave like your intestines, your esophagus, or even your anus don’t belong inside your body anymore. So your body in all it’s wisdom starts attacking the offending parts of your body. As you can imagine, the body parts that are affected are pretty upset about this attack, and proceed to go on strike.

As this little stand-off takes place you basically do what you feel. In other words, you feel like shit from all of the cramping, bloating, inflammation, pain, and fatigue. Then you shit, a lot. No matter what, no matter when, you’ve got to go, when you’ve got to go. Sometimes as many as 12 times a day. Which just makes you feel like that guy from the goatse photograph. Just think of the way you felt the first time you saw that, and you can get an idea what this particularly nasty disease is like.

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: pnoeric