The Fake News Nightly

(Crappo, Maryland) - As the expression goes, sometimes when it rains, it pours. In what many experts are calling “a growing trend,” more and more displaced workers are falling victim to foreclosure protection scams. In this new wave of of scams, people pay up front for assurances that they will receive help to pay their mounting mortgage payments.

Last December, Ophelia Payne only had enough money to pay a fraction of her mortgage. With her husband laid off eight months, her debt was mounting, and she was prepared to give up.

But while driving to her job as an investigator at the Chicago Better Business Bureau, Ophelia heard a radio advertisement promising protection from foreclosure. She breathed a sigh of relief.

She scraped together $1,200 to pay Mirage Loss Mitigation for its help to save her house, but found out four months later that her house had been foreclosed upon. With disbelief, she admits that she considers herself a victim. “I can’t believe I’ve become one of the hundreds of thousands of idiots I help in the Chicago BBB. I mean can you believe these dolts? They never stopped to think that the too-good-to-be-true quick fix available from Mirage might actually be a scam.”

Ophelia shared her expert observations, “The pitches seem so enticing.” Continuing, she said, “Imagine being so stupid as to believe a radio advertisements announcing: “I paid $2.99 and got $12,000. Claim yours!” or “New mortgage with low payments! No strings attached”

While local, state and federal authorities are trying keep up with consumer complaints, aside from going after fraudsters, officials say one of the best ways to protect yourself is to stop being a dumb ass. Ophelia added, “Yeah, that’s what we tell everyone. We say, get your head out of your ass and get a grip on reality.” When reminded that she had failed to heed her own advise, Ophelia had no comment.

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: respres

(Santa Monica, CA) Leaders of the largest social network MySpace are noticing an overwhelming response to the release of their newest advertising product, MyAds. The new self service ad platform allows anyone to quickly create a targeted ad and serve it on MySpace. Currently, the platform only allows display ads. Users can choose between a 728×90 or 300×250 ad unit and can create an ad with pre-built templates and a Flash tool, or upload their own.

MySpace users responded quickly by increasing the sensitivity of their “Who gives a shit” (crap) filter. The filter, which has a surprisingly high accuracy, can correctly detect advertisements on the Internet. Once activated the filter will cause advertisements to fade into the background of a web page, causing them to appear nearly invisible. One user who asked to remain nameless, for fear of retaliatory suspension from MySpace, said “I think it’s really lame. I simply throw up the crap filter and keep on surfing profiles looking for new add opportunities. Who gives a shit about those lame ads?”

Chris DeWolfe, CEO of MySpace expressed frustration at the response to MyAds, “Man I just get so pissed. We’re trying to build a business here. Don’t these people understand this? I mean what are supposed to do? Just make everything on the Internet free and advertising free too?”

(Washington, DC) Congressional leaders gathered today after the $700 bailout failed to pass in the House of Representatives to declare a small victory in their long term plan to save the US economy. According to House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank, “We are following a strategy of tough love when it comes to the economy. We feel that it is very important at this stage in the crisis to not enable the many failing financial institutions. If we give them hope by buying their bad debt they’ll only repeat the same mistakes. It’s critical that the economy hit rock bottom and voluntarily admit that it has a problem before we extend a helping hand.“

Standing in solidarity with Frank, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi stated, “We know what it’s like to see someone go through this. Think of the economy like your alcoholic uncle or brother. Our purpose in working with the economy is to help it ‘to stay away from high risk and help other world economies to achieve a healthy level of risk.”

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson added, “Sure it’s painful to see the economy and all of our citizens suffer. No one wants to see anyone go through this, but if we don’t see this through, we’ll only be right back here in a few years at the same brink of economic collapse. After today’s record losses on Wall Street, I think we’re finally seeing some signs that the economy is on the verge of breakthrough. Everything is coming down around the economy, the mortgage crisis, the credit shortage, the tanking housing prices, and now the collapsing stock market. We can see the light at the end of the tunnel, we’re almost certain that the economy is close to admitting that it is powerless over risk. If that happens, then we’ll see the economy finally see that it has become unmanageable. When that happens, we’ll be there to help the economy pick up the pieces, but I assure you we’re committed to let the economy totally fail.”

(Redmond, WA) Unsatisfied from it’s unsuccessful bid to buy Yahoo Corporation, Microsoft Corporation completed a major purchase of Microsoft Corporation stock. Yesterday the company announced that they were buying $40 billion worth of Microsoft stock. The acquisition runs counter to a recent trend that has led many companies to conserve cash to cope with the slow economy and Wall Street’s meltdown.

Microsoft’s share purchase, to be spread over five years, is the single biggest repurchase disclosed this year, outstripping International Business Machines Corp.’s $15 billion plan announced in February. While the company continues to invest in online services despite the failed Yahoo bid, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer confirmed that “the stock repurchase signals the software maker isn’t planning any big acquisitions.”

The market reacted favorably to Microsoft’s purchase of Microsoft, as of 4 p.m. trading on the Nasdaq Stock Market, shares of Microsoft were up 24 cents at $25.40. Ballmer added,

“This is second massive purchase of Microsoft stock, as you’ll remember, we began buying $30 billion worth of Microsoft shares in 2004. Pretty soon we’ll have enough stock to complete our hostile takeover of Microsoft. As major shareholders of Microsoft we’re growing tired of their poor stock performance and their consistent production of inferior products. For the past six years the stock has traded below $30, and the Board of Directors of Microsoft believe it’s about time for a shake-up at Microsoft. We believe that with new leadership, the company can finally begin to address the stability issues of Microsoft Windows Vista. That should translate into a higher share price, which is what we’re most interested in at this time.”

(Fort Worth, Texas) In what many are calling the most aggressive attempt to increase revenues, American Airlines (AA) has announced that they will begin charging customers for breathing. On tickets bought October 31 and after, American will begin charging most customers $35 for breathing oxygen. While customers can bring specially designed oxygen containers which will be available from airport terminal vendors, all other customers must pay the new “oxygen” fee or face dire consequences. The fees apply only to flights within the USA and Canada.

The slight delay in implementing the new oxygen fee is necessary in order for AA to install personal oxygen regulators on all planes. When the new personal oxygen supply systems are in place, all passengers will be required to either pay the new fee or provide evidence that they have purchased a portable oxygen regulator prior to boarding. There will be a small fee of $5, for those customers providing their own breathable air. The delay will also provide time to setup oxygen kiosk vendors of in all domestic terminals.

It was only last May when American Airlines announced that they would begin charging customers for all checked bags, so, for many, the new oxygen fee seems excessive. In response to questions from The Fake News Nightly, AA CEO Gerard Arpey said, “While we understand that this new oxygen fee affects customers, we still believe that our pricing remains extremely competitive in the industry and continues to offer our customers ample choice and value.” Arpey concluded, “The bottom line is that our revenues, which include ticket sales and fees, must keep pace with our increasing costs. It’s not like oxygen is free, so we have to find creative ways to combat rising oxygen prices. At least the bathrooms are still free, well that is, for now they are still free”

(Washington, DC) Yesterday, the Dow Jones Industrial Average plummeted 504 points amid the news of Lehman Brothers Holdings bankruptcy and growing problems at American International Group (AIG). In response President George W. Bush spoke-up in an effort to reassure the public and investors that markets remain sound. President Bush said, “the changes sweeping through financial markets can be painful, but in the long run I am confident that our capital markets are flexible and resilient and can deal with these adjustments.”

Following the President’s remarks a weary and anxious nation breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that everything was going to be be just fine. And with a few calming words the President had soothed a jittery nation’s  nerves, much as he had done many times before. Like when he told the country on Sept. 2, 2005, “Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job.” –to FEMA director Michael Brown, who resigned 10 days later amid criticism over his handling of the Hurricane Katrina debacle

Or on May 30, 2003 when he said, “We found the weapons of mass destruction. We found biological laboratories … And we’ll find more weapons as time goes on. But for those who say we haven’t found the banned manufacturing devices or banned weapons, they’re wrong, we found them.”

Or when atop the battleship USS Abraham Lincoln on May 1, 2003 he declared, “Major combat operations in Iraq have ended. In the battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed.”

We caught up with one concerned citizen and asked, “How do you feel after hearing Bush’s comments?” The autoworker from Indiana said,

“You don’t know how much better I feel to know that the fundamentals of the economy remain sound despite the Wall Street turmoil. I mean sure my 401K is worth half of what it was back in October of last year, my house is worth less than when I bought it, and it looks like they might be closing the plant I work in, but just to hear Mr. Bush tell me that everything is going to be all right, I feel much more positive. Of course I still got to figure out how to send my kids through college, but I know that John McCain will fix the economy. He believes everything is sound too. So I’m sure he’ll help me send my kids to school.”

(Cupertino, CA) Apple Corporation has finally declared all out war on Microsoft and the ubiquitous Microsoft Windows. Using what many are calling the most clever and devastating virus to have ever been used, the new iTunes 8 virus is quickly spreading and affecting Microsoft Windows Vista machines.

The iTunes 8 virus attacks machines installed with Microsoft Windows Vista. After a machine is infected, every time users connect an iPhone or iPod to their machines they’re getting Microsoft’s dreaded “blue screen of death,” the mystifying error message that signifies a PC meltdown. Some computers abruptly shut down and restart.

McAfee, Inc. makers of the popular line of antivirus solutions have activated their emergency response team to diagnose how the iTunes 8 virus replicates and infects machines. As of this moment, they have been unsuccessful in removing or disabling the virus. David DeWalt, Chief Executive Officer and President of McAfee admitted surprise in the bold attack by Apple Corporation. He said,

“Well it finally looks like Steve Jobs has acted on his threat of revenge against Microsoft Corporation. His hatred of Bill Gates and the company he founded has never been a secret, but most of us in the industry never thought he would make good on his promise to punish Bill. Steve patiently waited until Bill’s retirement and then launched the virus.

It’s very clear that Steve has been planning this for some time. The sophistication of the virus and the elegant way it spreads shows that the virus has been under development for years. We are especially stumped by how the virus encompasses several levels, because not only does it require infecting a Windows Vista machine but it also disables their iPhone or iPod. Which is like everyone right? It’s clear that Apple has declared war on Microsoft Vista users.”

In an uncharacteristic appearance, Steve Jobs, Chairman and CEO of Apple Inc, released a brief statement.

“Essentially, we’re sick of Microsoft and all their Microsoft Windows bullshit. As we continue to try to emphasize the importance of design and the crucial role aesthetics play in public appeal, they continue to produce crappy software that is just a plain annoyance. It seems that the farther forward we push the development of products that are both functional and elegant they respond with products that are barely functional and retarded.

Now that we’ve made everyone dependent on either the iPhone or iPod, we just refuse to allow them to work with Microsoft Windows Vista. This is war, either find a Macintosh to get your iPhone or iPod to work or by all means go out and get a Zune. Man every time we look at that piece of shit it makes us puke and then fall down laughing so hard that we are rolling in our own puke.

And to all you antivirus experts out there. Good luck cracking the iTunes 8 virus. We’ve incorporated some very advanced artificial intelligence that will make the virus mutate randomly, basically making it impossible to remove. Only your complete and utter surrender and adoption of Macintosh will stop the iTunes 8 virus. And to think, just a couple of weeks I was reported dead. Now I’m finally on the top of the world!”

(Rome, Italy) While Vice President Dick Cheney was visiting Rome to seek support for Georgia on the last leg of a week-long trip that included stops in Azerbaijan, Georgia and Ukraine, he took a moment to extend a personal hunting invitation to former Halliburton Company executive Albert J. “Jack” Stanley. Commenting with a sardonic smile on his face Cheney said, “Yeah, I think it would be really great for us to catch up, it’s been a while since I’ve talked with Jack. I’m sure we’d have a heck of a time. Sure, we can fill up a cooler with some Pabst Blue Ribbon and have us a good ole time. Who knows what might happen.”

Of course, Stanley might not have the opportunity to go hunting with the Vice President, as he recently pleaded guilty to bribing Nigerian government officials in a corruption scandal that occurred while while Dick Cheney was the CEO of the Texas-based oilfield services conglomerate. Stanley faces seven years in prison after admitting violations of America’s foreign corruption practices act while he was head of KBR, a construction company formerly known as Kellog, Brown & Root which was part of Halliburton until it was spun out as a separate entity last year.

In addition to paying bribes, Stanley admitted receiving kickbacks of $10.8m. He has agreed to pay back the money, but will not serve any time in jail as he has agreed to cooperate with officials in the investigation and prosecution of anyone else related to the corruption scandal. Stanley couldn’t be reached for comment on these allegations. If anyone knows where he can be located, please tell him Vice President Cheney is looking for him, to go hunting with, that is.

(Washington, DC) While the negotiations have been dragging on for months, the United States taxpayers have finally succeeded in their hostile takeover of the mortgage industry, well at least the majority of it that is controlled by mortgage lenders Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. While the two lenders attempted to stop the transaction with a poison pill, they finally agreed to the $45 trillion price offered by the United States government, who was working as the unappointed negotiators for the US taxpayers.

The failed poison pill was a clever strategy of horribly mismanaging the companies until they had been completely fucked up beyond all recognition, or what is technically known as the “fubar” strategy. While the “fubar” ploy has been used successfully by ENRON and Worldcom in destroying all company value, according to shareholders of the two companies, “While we still have complete confidence in senior management’s ability to lead and provide share value growth, we just couldn’t resist all of the 0’s. We’re talking not 9, but 12 zeros behind that 45.”

“You can call it a bailout, you can call it a safety net or you can call it a rescue package, but the bottom line is the American taxpayer is now the proud owner of two really screwed up companies,” says Richard Yamarone, director of economic research at Argus Research. In an interview with The Fake News Nightly, one of the new owners of the two companies said,

“While they say the companies haven’t been at imminent risk of collapse, I’ll tell you what, they sure have fucked up my retirement plans. With deep losses from the housing meltdown, I don’t know if I’ll be able to sell my house for what it used to be worth. I was counting on that money to move to Florida and buy a nice little apartment for the missus and I.  I couldn’t give a shit about the investors, I’m just hoping that this crazy ass stunt is going to restore the value of my home. If it doesn’t, I don’t want to be the one to break it to my old lady, she can get pretty nasty. I’d rather lose my share of the $5 trillion than have to face her. So this shit better work!”

(Washington, DC) Fannie Mae shook up its senior management in a move it said was designed to drive the mortgage company’s efforts to conserve capital and contain a surge in costs stemming from defaults by homeowners. They have decided to change their name. “Yes, frankly we are tired of everyone making fun of our name. We really felt it was starting to wear down the executive team,” said head the newly named company.

Niculescu added, “We hired a leading brand management company to assist us with deciding on a new name. We felt it was so critical to come up with a name that was going to lead us out of the crapper, oh can I say that here?” Fannie Mae has been hit hard in the recent sub-prime lending crisis and has paid dearly for it. Shares of the company are down about 90% from a year ago. So with their gaze cast forward, they believe their new name will soon be on the tips of everyone’s tongue as the emerge from an almost certain bailout by the US Treasury. Announcing boldy Niculescu said, “So it it is with great pride that I let you know that from now on Fannie Mae shall be known as Heinie Can. A strong name on which to hang the hopes of millions.”