The Fake News Nightly

In a gutsy move, Tom Delay, ex-Republican House Majority Leader, has agreed to participate in the smash reality television program ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ Shocking many, the 62 year old politician from Laredo, Texas will compete against a much younger field for the coveted championship for the 9th season of the program.

In an interview with FNN, Delay explained that he’s got dancing in his blood and “jumped at the chance” to join the cast. While it may be difficult to accept some politician’s at anything they claim, for this reporter, this is one claim that I think Delay can back up. Delay has a long career of dancing around dicey issues like accepting contributions from Russian oil executives, committing perjury during a civil lawsuit brought against him by a former business partner, or pirouetting his way through a tricky campaign finance investigation which ended with the indictment of several of his associates, as well as Jack Abramoff.

No, Delay is very light on his feet, having survived a lifetime of tainted politics, which forced him from the majority leadership and eventually out of public office for good. “I love dancing … you’ve got to love dancing if you’re from Texas,” DeLay told Chris Cuomo on “Good Morning America.” “Especially if you find yourself in elected office. I mean just look at President George W. Bush. There’s another great example of a Texas politician that was able to Two-Step through some of the trickiest and potentially damning situations ever to touch the White House.”

Known as “The Hammer,” a nickname given for his ability to hammer legislation through Congress, Delay is optimistic about his opportunities. “Heck, if I’ve Hustle-ed my way out of repeated conspiracy charges, I should be able to Viennese Waltz my way through this competition.”

(Chicago, IL) Shown here visiting the National Graffiti Museum, Katy Perry seems un-interested at the Green Ribbon exhibit. What? Oh shit, that’s not her. Damn it,  where is my cousin Michael. He told me this was Katy Perry. Man, I’m going to pound that sucker when I see him.

Photo Courtesy of: Bitz Daddy

(Washington, D.C.) An unconfirmed informant inside the White House is claiming that Vice-President Dick Cheney is a secret fan of the new pop sensation the Jonas Brothers. According to the source, the Vice-President is such a big fan that when the White House decided to film some new public service announcements promoting our National Parks, he insisted that the Jonas Brothers be used for the commercials. The informant claims that Vice-President Cheney said, and I’m quoting,

“Oh, yes let’s get those dreamy Jonas Brothers for the task. And can we get them to stop by the White House to conduct a press conference to announce their participation? Especially Joe, he’s the cute one. Can we make sure he stops by?”

The Vice-President got his wish, as he usually does, and last week the fab-trio stopped by the AP press room. But some journalists, roughly 20 years older than the pop-star siblings were taken aback by the commotion. “Who?” asked one journalist on being informed of the visit. In the press room, only those with young teens or an interest in celebrity news had ever heard of them. Vice President Dick Cheney, on the other hand, cleverly devised a plan to cover his undying love for the trio. Cheney told CNN’s Ed Henry he brought his three granddaughters to the White House to meet the brothers, wink, wink.

The public service announcement they taped on the South Lawn encourages children to be more active and to enjoy America’s national parks, especially since this administration is dead set on eliminating or violating as many of them as possible. Kevin Jonas, the moody thoughtful brother said, “Yeah, like you never know when our National Parks will disappear in our search for more oil. Peace out!”

(Flint, MI) Looking to expand their search for the next American Idol sensation, Fox Broadcasting Company recently conducted an audition in the heart of the bedraggled city of Flint Michigan. Organizers of the audition believed that the close proximity to Detroit Michigan, and the fabled history of the town would produce record numbers for the audition. Ryan Seacrest, host for the chart topping American Idol, is reportedly the mastermind behind the Flint audition. Seacrest claims that he saw the name of Flint Michigan appear in a dream, and woke up convinced the next diamond in the rough was stuck in the bowels of the industrial town.

According to sources in the studio, the entire management team is stunned at the complete lack of interest from the people of Flint. We contacted judge Randy Jackson who said, “We told him it was a stupid idea, but he wouldn’t listen.” In a separate interview, fellow judge Paula Abdul said, “I was like, I dunno Ryan. But if you believe in your dream, I believe in it too. Later I was like really happy and everything when we booked our tickets to Flint. It was exciting thinking about returning back to Flint. I remember performing there on my ‘Forever Your Girl’ tour. It was real sad that no one showed up. I guess they don’t love us here in Flint.”

After the recent payout of over $14 million to Brad Pitt and Angelina Joline, Marc Anthony’s wife, Jennifer Lopez is rumored to be trying for triplets. We here at fakenews were able to reach the steeming celebrity in a Miami fertility clinic. The desperate mother told this to fakenews between tests:

“I mean can you believe it? $14 million. $14 MILLION. I would have guessed maybe $9, maybe tops $10 million, but $14 million. That really puts the pressure on a girl. So that’s why I’m here in this fertility clinic. We’re paying top dollar to see if doctors can guarantee a triple pregnancy. I think it’s the only way I’ll be able to top $14 million. Don’t you think? Anyone can have twins, but triplets. Now that’s something the public would be really interested in seeing.”

While the interview dragged on and we heard the fading starlet complain of the pressures of having her nannies raise her kids and how much all that work tired her out. Finally as the interview was ending she leaned over to fakenews and whispered, with a twinkle in her eye:

“I’ve been thinking… As I get nearer the fertility procedure that will make me famous again, I mean earn all of that money for charity, what if I sell the exclusive rights for People magazine to cover the entire pregnancy from fertilization to delivery. That’s got to be worth, what maybe $20 million. Just think of it….They could feature picutres of the doctors and all that stuff, maybe even some of the embryos all skooched together (¡Que linda!). I’d let them implant a camera in my hoochie just so they could take pictures and follow the progress of the triplets each week. It’d be untoppable.”