The Fake News Nightly

Well I guess it’s alright to come out now. Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for my prolonged absence. While part of that absence, I’m not legally permitted to discuss, let’s just keep it at, “I was tied up with important things.” However, not only am I back from my “vacation,” I am pleased to announce that I’ll no longer be referred to as an “enemy combatant.”

The Obama administration said Friday that it would abandon the Bush administration’s term “enemy combatant” as it argues in court for the continued detention of prisoners at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba. Woo hoo! Boy am I glad to get that label off of my back. You don’t know what it’s like.

Of course, the Justice Department on behalf of the Obama administration did announce that the president has the authority to detain terrorism suspects without criminal charges. Speaking with the Fake Nightly News, Attorney General Eric H. Holder Jr., commented:

“They say that water and sleep deprivation can break your spirit but words will never hurt you. Well, we are here in court today arguing that words can hurt. One moment you are just a plain spoken terrorist with links to Al Qaeda, and the next moment everyone is calling you an enemy combatant. Of course, captured enemy forces, well yes, okay, you can call them prisoners. Doy! No I didn’t mean to say that, it just slipped out. Oh hell, who cares anyway? If you’re kneeling in the middle of the Caribbean wearing a hood, noise canceling headphones and blinders, well, you probably wouldn’t hear us anyway. We could call you an enemy combatant right in front of your “face,” and you still shouldn’t hear us. Wait a minute. Thinking through this, maybe we are misreading exactly why people dislike the Guantánamo Bay detainee facility. Maybe it is unpopular for other reasons. I’ll have to check into that and get back to you.”

(Rome, Italy) While Vice President Dick Cheney was visiting Rome to seek support for Georgia on the last leg of a week-long trip that included stops in Azerbaijan, Georgia and Ukraine, he took a moment to extend a personal hunting invitation to former Halliburton Company executive Albert J. “Jack” Stanley. Commenting with a sardonic smile on his face Cheney said, “Yeah, I think it would be really great for us to catch up, it’s been a while since I’ve talked with Jack. I’m sure we’d have a heck of a time. Sure, we can fill up a cooler with some Pabst Blue Ribbon and have us a good ole time. Who knows what might happen.”

Of course, Stanley might not have the opportunity to go hunting with the Vice President, as he recently pleaded guilty to bribing Nigerian government officials in a corruption scandal that occurred while while Dick Cheney was the CEO of the Texas-based oilfield services conglomerate. Stanley faces seven years in prison after admitting violations of America’s foreign corruption practices act while he was head of KBR, a construction company formerly known as Kellog, Brown & Root which was part of Halliburton until it was spun out as a separate entity last year.

In addition to paying bribes, Stanley admitted receiving kickbacks of $10.8m. He has agreed to pay back the money, but will not serve any time in jail as he has agreed to cooperate with officials in the investigation and prosecution of anyone else related to the corruption scandal. Stanley couldn’t be reached for comment on these allegations. If anyone knows where he can be located, please tell him Vice President Cheney is looking for him, to go hunting with, that is.

(Washington, DC) While the negotiations have been dragging on for months, the United States taxpayers have finally succeeded in their hostile takeover of the mortgage industry, well at least the majority of it that is controlled by mortgage lenders Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. While the two lenders attempted to stop the transaction with a poison pill, they finally agreed to the $45 trillion price offered by the United States government, who was working as the unappointed negotiators for the US taxpayers.

The failed poison pill was a clever strategy of horribly mismanaging the companies until they had been completely fucked up beyond all recognition, or what is technically known as the “fubar” strategy. While the “fubar” ploy has been used successfully by ENRON and Worldcom in destroying all company value, according to shareholders of the two companies, “While we still have complete confidence in senior management’s ability to lead and provide share value growth, we just couldn’t resist all of the 0’s. We’re talking not 9, but 12 zeros behind that 45.”

“You can call it a bailout, you can call it a safety net or you can call it a rescue package, but the bottom line is the American taxpayer is now the proud owner of two really screwed up companies,” says Richard Yamarone, director of economic research at Argus Research. In an interview with The Fake News Nightly, one of the new owners of the two companies said,

“While they say the companies haven’t been at imminent risk of collapse, I’ll tell you what, they sure have fucked up my retirement plans. With deep losses from the housing meltdown, I don’t know if I’ll be able to sell my house for what it used to be worth. I was counting on that money to move to Florida and buy a nice little apartment for the missus and I.  I couldn’t give a shit about the investors, I’m just hoping that this crazy ass stunt is going to restore the value of my home. If it doesn’t, I don’t want to be the one to break it to my old lady, she can get pretty nasty. I’d rather lose my share of the $5 trillion than have to face her. So this shit better work!”