The Fake News Nightly

Well I guess it’s alright to come out now. Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for my prolonged absence. While part of that absence, I’m not legally permitted to discuss, let’s just keep it at, “I was tied up with important things.” However, not only am I back from my “vacation,” I am pleased to announce that I’ll no longer be referred to as an “enemy combatant.”

The Obama administration said Friday that it would abandon the Bush administration’s term “enemy combatant” as it argues in court for the continued detention of prisoners at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba. Woo hoo! Boy am I glad to get that label off of my back. You don’t know what it’s like.

Of course, the Justice Department on behalf of the Obama administration did announce that the president has the authority to detain terrorism suspects without criminal charges. Speaking with the Fake Nightly News, Attorney General Eric H. Holder Jr., commented:

“They say that water and sleep deprivation can break your spirit but words will never hurt you. Well, we are here in court today arguing that words can hurt. One moment you are just a plain spoken terrorist with links to Al Qaeda, and the next moment everyone is calling you an enemy combatant. Of course, captured enemy forces, well yes, okay, you can call them prisoners. Doy! No I didn’t mean to say that, it just slipped out. Oh hell, who cares anyway? If you’re kneeling in the middle of the Caribbean wearing a hood, noise canceling headphones and blinders, well, you probably wouldn’t hear us anyway. We could call you an enemy combatant right in front of your “face,” and you still shouldn’t hear us. Wait a minute. Thinking through this, maybe we are misreading exactly why people dislike the Guantánamo Bay detainee facility. Maybe it is unpopular for other reasons. I’ll have to check into that and get back to you.”