The Fake News Nightly

(Santa Monica, CA) Leaders of the largest social network MySpace are noticing an overwhelming response to the release of their newest advertising product, MyAds. The new self service ad platform allows anyone to quickly create a targeted ad and serve it on MySpace. Currently, the platform only allows display ads. Users can choose between a 728×90 or 300×250 ad unit and can create an ad with pre-built templates and a Flash tool, or upload their own.

MySpace users responded quickly by increasing the sensitivity of their “Who gives a shit” (crap) filter. The filter, which has a surprisingly high accuracy, can correctly detect advertisements on the Internet. Once activated the filter will cause advertisements to fade into the background of a web page, causing them to appear nearly invisible. One user who asked to remain nameless, for fear of retaliatory suspension from MySpace, said “I think it’s really lame. I simply throw up the crap filter and keep on surfing profiles looking for new add opportunities. Who gives a shit about those lame ads?”

Chris DeWolfe, CEO of MySpace expressed frustration at the response to MyAds, “Man I just get so pissed. We’re trying to build a business here. Don’t these people understand this? I mean what are supposed to do? Just make everything on the Internet free and advertising free too?”

(Relief, KY) Naughty America, a porn production company in Southern California, has launched an Adobe Air-based storefront which may soon be called the “iTunes for Porn.” The new store is called Naughty America Direct and features full-length DRM-free scenes for $1.99 that are fully cumpatible with the iPod and iPhone.

Many experts in the moble hand-held gadget field believe that the new storefront will create more problems than when a stunned American Airlines started to offer free WIFI service on domestic flights, to only find passengers using the service to watch pornography. Gadget guru Harry Johnson said, “With all of the iPods and iPhone out there, I can guarantee you that people are going to be watching Naughty America Direct scenes all over the place. The price per clip seems pretty much perfect: it’s less than a large coffee at Starbucks, and will provide me with several times the enjoyment.”

When asked about the potential for public disruption and inappropriate viewing, Naughty America’s law firm, Dixon, Cox, and Peters, respnded, “We trust that all of Naughty America Direct’s customers will exercise great discretion when viewing the downloaded clips. However, we feel that we are only responding to pent-up demand and providing some relief.”

Jack Goff, a spokesman for Naughty America, added “Why should people pay $30 a month for scenes you won’t ever watch? With Naughty America Direct, you only pay for the quality adult entertainment you want. Naughty America Direct makes it easy to purchase and download the best adult entertainment on the market. And with our ever-growing content library, you’ll always be able to enjoy yourself. Of course, only privately, and with great discretion. And remember, when it comes to mobile pornography, nobody does it better!”

(Washington, DC) On Tuesday the U.S. Senate passed the Webcaster Settlement Act , the legislation that lays the groundwork for Web radio stations to play songs that fall under the license without seeking permission. In return, Webcasters would be required to pay the negotiated rate. The bill is now headed to the White House where U.S. President George Bush is expected to sign it. While it is uncertain whether President Bush will sign the new bill, in a quick comment from the White House, the president said, “He he, I don’t know what I’m going to do about this Internets bill. But I can tell you that Laura and I think this whole Internets stuff is really great. Really great. I tell you, what will they think of next?”

Each of the presidential candidates were contacted to get their reaction to the bill and it’s potential impact. Barack Obama, the Democratic nominee was quick to respond, “Michelle and I have been on the road for almost two years now, and being able to tune into Pandora and listen to some familiar songs has given us a real sense of normality. You know what I’m saying? No matter where we traveled in this great country and met with the middle class, as soon as we could find a broadband Internet connection we’d spend some quiet moments together listening to Internet radio and snacking on some Arugula lettuce. We then imagine we weren’t sleeping in so many different places; you know it’s almost like being in Earth Wind & Fire on tour or something.”

After a little bit of delay, John McCain answered with an official statement, “Frankly I am  unable to respond to this bill because I’m a little confused. The last time I checked, radio is what I listen to when I’m in one of my 13 cars. And try as I might, I just don’t get what this has to do with the tubes of the Internets. Could someone please explain this to me?”

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: C.P.Storm