The Fake News Nightly

(Odd, West Virginia) While many acknowledge that the potential historic importance of this year’s election, many people who showed up for voting turned away in disappointment. In early reports trickling into the Fake News Nightly, apparently hundreds of thousands of people feel they were tricked into showing up at voting stations. They claim they were contacted by representatives of both the Obama and McCain campaigns and were told that the government would be handing out new economic stimulus checks at their nearest voting station.

According to one disgruntled voter, the message she received told her that if she was registered to vote and appeared at her designated voting location, a $600 check was waiting for her, and all she had to do was present her voter registration card. The young mother of two said that she felt betrayed and that she would have to cancel her plans of buying a new plasma television that she wanted from Walmart.

Representatives from both parties resolutely deny that any such calls were made, and countered with a proclamation of how proud they were of the voter turnout. Each party claimed that the historic turnout was a demonstration of the strength and vitality of the American democratic process.

When asked about the economic stimulus check scam, one voter responded, “Sombody’s got sum splaining to do. Ah mean, watz a brother hav ta do ta get a break? Sur I got me one of doz calls. I figur’d it sure would be fine to get me one of doz checks. I gots bills to pay. Since gas be coming down I got me a brand new used Chrysler Magnums, you kno, wit da hemi. Dat ride be fine. You know wha I’m sayin.” When asked for verification if the voter had actually received a call, he said, “Well ya no, I axually got a call fum my cusin, hez da one who told me bout it. I shudda known betta, dat boy be smokin up a lot of weed. He high as a kite most  of da time. Dat fool. Ima smack him upside his head when I sees him.”

(Joes, Colorado) Today, a coalition of regular guys all over America, who all also happened to be named Joe have banned together in solidarity. The group is claiming that Joe the Plumber is receiving unfair attention. Joe Plumber became the latest media darling last week when he stopped Senator Barack Obama during a visit to his block. Then Joe the Plumber was rocketed into media stardom when during last night’s final presidential debate,  Senator John McCain invoked Joe the Plumber around two dozen times during the 90 minute debate.

In a press release from the “Coalition of Joes”, they state, “We, the Coalition of Joes are calling upon the presidential candidates and the media to stop using Joe the Plumber as a generic reference to the middle class. There are many hard working Joe’s all over these United States and we believe it is discriminatory to only reference Joe the Plumber. We call upon Joe the Newscaster, Joe the Pollster, and Joe the Cameraman to join us in solidarity.” The press release is signed by Joe Mechanic, Joe Blow, Joe Electrician, Joe Kerr, and Joe Sixpack.

In an exclusive interview with The Fake News Nightly, Joe Sixpack shared his indignation, “It really sucks. This guy comes out of nowhere and he gets all of this attention. It just goes to show you how fickle the media can be. One week you’re da shit, and the next week you’re like nobody. Know wha I’m sayin?”

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: atconc

(Gayville, South Dakota) Biff Wellington doesn’t want to believe it. After spending a fortune on cosmetic facial surgery, he wants to show off his new face by uploading a new photograph to his Facebook profile. However, his friends have been warning him that he should not do anything for five or six months, when his collagen lip injection has faded. Biff argued, “I really thought I had an Angeline Jolie thing going on. Maybe the double whammy of Botox and Collagen was too much, but I really thought it was going to make me a player.”

While collagen lip injections have been most popular among women, there is a growing trend of men electing the procedure as well. According to Dr. Carl Kluck, “Many young male urban professionals are opting for cosmetic surgery these days. In my opinion more and more metrosexual men are seeing those pesky laugh lines around the mouth, and just as women have been expected to for generations are reaching for the phone to call a good plastic surgeon.”

Harry Pitts, a close friend of Biff’s said, “I think Biff looks like a dork. I mean what the fuck was he thinking?” As Harry is recovering from hysterical laughter, “Make him a player, my ass. More like make him look gayer.”

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: David Boyle

(Kernersville, NC) The newly elected president of the North Carolina PTA, has new hope for a future of service. Kyle Robertson now sees that any one can rise from the PTA and become an elected government official. “I was beginning to think that I had risen as far as I was going to go, but now that Sarah Palin is John McCain’s running partner, I’d say the sky is the limit,” shared Robertson.

“Having been in the PTA now for 16 years, I can really say that the challenges and demands of deciding on school lunch menus and serving as an arbitrator between irate parents and defensive teachers really prepares you for political office,” claims Robertson. Across the country, many other PTA members share her opinion. Many claim that they were growing frustrated in the low level of influence on local policy issues, saying that now that Palin has broken the glass blackboard, they see themselves going on to serve their communities more.And who knows, maybe one day serving not only their local communities but the nation as well.

“However,” states Robertson, “I’m no beauty queen, so maybe that helps, but I think I have a lot of good ideas to contribute. I’m hoping that I can help solve some of the issues Lizard Lick is facing.” With a population of 1,300 Lizard Lick, North Carolina has now joined the millions of towns all over the United States which can now boast having a traffic light in their town. The town apparently got its name from a passing observer who saw many lizards sunning and licking themselves on a rail fence. Robertson adds, “Lizard lick is no Wasilla, AL, but this is America. So I’m hopeful.”

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: Rep. Virginia Foxx

(Crotch Lake, Ontario Canada) In yet another outbreak of the maddening platypus flu, the Center for Disease Control has issued an alert warning health care providers to be on the look out for any new outbreaks of the influenza. Shown here Anita Lay displays some of the characteristic symptoms of the strange disease. While the disease ultimately leads to dementia, loss of memory, and end in apparent brain death, one the initial symptoms include bugged out “crazy eyes”. In addition, patients will continuously attempt to make their lips look like those of a platypus, which gave the disease it’s cruel name platypus flu.

In the usual quiet town of Crotch Lake many parents are heard warning their children “If you don’t watch it, your face is going to freeze like that forever.” Platypus flu is limited to adolescent and pre-teen children, usually appearing as early as 8 or as late as 17. While patients may already be suffering the later stages of the flu at 18, there have been no new outbreaks in patients older than 18 years. One of the difficulties in early diagnosis of platypus fever, as it is also called, is that the symptoms resemble so closely to children just “horsing around.” Typically the only way accurately rule out just plain old tom foolery is a Magnetic Resonance Image of the cranium, or as parents have always referred to it, “getting you head checked out.”

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: Koramchad

(Virginia Beach, VA) Holly Harris admits it. “Yeah I did it, that guy was a freaking creep,” exclaimed Harris. With disgust Harris recalls, “When he asked me to go to the beach on our second date, I was cool with it. I was like, sure why not, I’ll ask him to pick up some Smirnoff Ice and we can kick back on the beach and have a few laughs. But he was like always staring at my breasts and making these stupid-ass jokes.”

Nearly gagging at the memory, she continued on, “You ever heard that one where they say don’t sweat shit, because it could always be worse.  Yeah, no shit. Cause just when I was thinking man this can’t get any more lame when a group of this loser’s friends pop out of nowhere. So I’m having to be all civil and nice while they all keep checking out my tits. Then some guy whips out a camera. So my date says he wants a picture of us to post on his Facebook page and I’m totally freaking. I’m like there’s no fucking way I want to be associated with this dickhead. So while I’m panicking I snag my sunglasses and step into the shade of this umbrella. They were all so trashed they didn’t even notice. Note to self, next time I go to the beach on a casual date, no bikinis for me”

Photo courtesy of: Ricardo Michel Mapa

(Norfolk, Virginia) Little Pamela Hobbs is not like other girls her age, she hasn’t started pre-school. She can’t go to the park and play. She can’t clap her hands. Pamela can’t do many things because she suffers from Manos Gargantius, a rare disease which has caused her hands to grow faster than the rest of her body.”When she was born, she was perfect, just perfect,” shares Florence Hobbs, Pamela’s mother. “When she turned two she started complaining that her hands hurt. We didn’t think anything of it, you know something on kids always hurts. But soon after that she started telling us that her hands were growing heavy,” recalls  Florence.

Florence continued, “So we took her to a see a pediaorthopedic specialist. After weeks of tests, during which her hands kept growing, the doctor came back with his diagnosis. My husband and I were like Mano Garwhat? We thought he was messing with us, so we asked are you shitting us?”

Manos Gargantius is similar to DNA repair-deficiency disorder, but instead of causing premature aging, it causes accelerated growth of the hands. While researchers are making advances with DNA repair-deficiency disorder, at this time nothing can be done for poor little Pamela.

Doctors are hopeful that once the rest of her body catches up to her hands, she’ll be able to lead a normal life, but for now Pamela must suffer through this with the help of her parents. “She keeps a really good attitude about it. She even jokes around that she is going to be a clown when she grows up, ” Florence sniffs as she looks at Pamela playing.

Photo courtesy of: Borki

(Cornersville, Tennessee) Just another lazy Sunday afternoon and the members of Chinese Eyes are sitting around a basement reminiscing. What you’ve never heard of Chinese Eyes? Well, if didn’t attend Cornersville High School in the early 1980’s, then it is unlikely that you have heard of them. But as Bud Thompson, lead guitarist of Chinese Eyes, remembers it, Chinese Eyes was the coolest high school band anywhere near Marshall County. “Yeah man, we we really the shit back then,” recalls Thompson.

“Yeah man, do you remember when we rocked everyone out at the Senior Fling?” Thompson asks his buddies. A round of laughter rolls through the room as the members of Chinese Eyes recall the glorious performances from their senior year of high school. “Man it was so freaking hilarious to hear the Principal announce us at the senior talent show, that poor fool didn’t even know that Chinese Eyes was what we used to call being high,” laughed Thompson. As fellow band members shouted out “Man, did we smoke a lot of weed back then.” But as the laughter dies down Thompson and his band mates grow silent as the fond memories of their younger years are replaced by the realization that those might have been the best years of their lives. Before the gleam leaves his eyes Thompson shares, “How I wouldn’t like to be back there right now, smoking dope and rocking out, man those were the days.”

Photo courtesy of: weevil

(Kirkuk, Iraq) U.S. Army Soldier with Alpha Battery, 2nd Battalion, 15th Field Artillery Regiment, 10th Mountain Division (Light Infantry) Bill Parkons crosses a field during a joint operation with Iraqi army soldiers with 2nd Battalion, 4th Brigade, 6th Iraqi Army Division in Kirkuk, Iraq.

Parkons just couldn’t stand it anymore,  “Things had been spiraling down in my life. I had been fired from a couple of sales jobs and was getting really desperate when I saw the ad. It said I could earn over $5,000 a month, so I jumped on it. The interview was a breeze, but I was a little bummed when they told me I was going to be selling timeshares at the mall. I mean have you seen those sleazy salesmen they have? They freaking never leave you alone. Like I said, though, I was desperate.”

Recalling his first day Parkons said, “When I had to go to the mall to report for work I made the mistake of smoking a joint before I went it. Man it totally freaked me out, but I was like man I’m running low on weed I need to earn some bread. Man, I never made that mistake again, it was a total creep show. I just couldn’t get over how weird everything looked from the other side of the situation. Well I kept at it. My boss was like giving me all of this positive encouragement and shit, but it totally sucked. Every moment I was working I was like, man nothing can suck as bad as this.”

Shaking his head Parkons recalls, “Walking to my car one night I saw the Army recruiting office and I immediately thought to myself, man I’m lower than low. I gotta get out of here. So I went in and enlisted and now  I’m out here walking through this field scared shitless thinking I’m going to get my dick blown off. What the fuck was I thinking? Sure I felt like I was the living dead selling time-shares back in Fair Oaks Mall, but at least I didn’t have snipers shooting at me. Man what a brain fart that was!”

Photo courtesy of: soldiersmediacenter

(Irving, TX) “When I heard that you could save gas if you kept your tires properly inflated, I was like hot damn. I bet if I fill them up as far as I can I bet I’ll get even better mileage,” recalled Tye Blaine, a local senior at Irving Central High School. Blaine was was injured last night when the tire he was inflating exploded. The explosion caused pieces of rubber to fly off of the tire striking Blaine in the face and upper body. Blaine continued, sharing his story, “It all happened so fast. I was there pumping air in the left-front tire of my GTO when my good friend Buddy Holmes walked out of the 7-11 I was parked at. I turned around to yell “Hey man you suck!” at him when I heard the explosion.”

” My neck instinctively snapped around to find out what had exploded when the rubber pieces hit me in the face” Laughing, Blaine continued “Yeah it was a pretty good shot to the face, kind of like that one day I got kicked in the head by a steer down on my granpappy’s ranch. Boy that steer sure turned off my lights.” Blaine was treated and released from Irving Memorial Hospital.

Photo courtesy of: Baltimike