The Fake News Nightly

Well I guess it’s alright to come out now. Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for my prolonged absence. While part of that absence, I’m not legally permitted to discuss, let’s just keep it at, “I was tied up with important things.” However, not only am I back from my “vacation,” I am pleased to announce that I’ll no longer be referred to as an “enemy combatant.”

The Obama administration said Friday that it would abandon the Bush administration’s term “enemy combatant” as it argues in court for the continued detention of prisoners at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba. Woo hoo! Boy am I glad to get that label off of my back. You don’t know what it’s like.

Of course, the Justice Department on behalf of the Obama administration did announce that the president has the authority to detain terrorism suspects without criminal charges. Speaking with the Fake Nightly News, Attorney General Eric H. Holder Jr., commented:

“They say that water and sleep deprivation can break your spirit but words will never hurt you. Well, we are here in court today arguing that words can hurt. One moment you are just a plain spoken terrorist with links to Al Qaeda, and the next moment everyone is calling you an enemy combatant. Of course, captured enemy forces, well yes, okay, you can call them prisoners. Doy! No I didn’t mean to say that, it just slipped out. Oh hell, who cares anyway? If you’re kneeling in the middle of the Caribbean wearing a hood, noise canceling headphones and blinders, well, you probably wouldn’t hear us anyway. We could call you an enemy combatant right in front of your “face,” and you still shouldn’t hear us. Wait a minute. Thinking through this, maybe we are misreading exactly why people dislike the Guantánamo Bay detainee facility. Maybe it is unpopular for other reasons. I’ll have to check into that and get back to you.”

(Odd, West Virginia) While many acknowledge that the potential historic importance of this year’s election, many people who showed up for voting turned away in disappointment. In early reports trickling into the Fake News Nightly, apparently hundreds of thousands of people feel they were tricked into showing up at voting stations. They claim they were contacted by representatives of both the Obama and McCain campaigns and were told that the government would be handing out new economic stimulus checks at their nearest voting station.

According to one disgruntled voter, the message she received told her that if she was registered to vote and appeared at her designated voting location, a $600 check was waiting for her, and all she had to do was present her voter registration card. The young mother of two said that she felt betrayed and that she would have to cancel her plans of buying a new plasma television that she wanted from Walmart.

Representatives from both parties resolutely deny that any such calls were made, and countered with a proclamation of how proud they were of the voter turnout. Each party claimed that the historic turnout was a demonstration of the strength and vitality of the American democratic process.

When asked about the economic stimulus check scam, one voter responded, “Sombody’s got sum splaining to do. Ah mean, watz a brother hav ta do ta get a break? Sur I got me one of doz calls. I figur’d it sure would be fine to get me one of doz checks. I gots bills to pay. Since gas be coming down I got me a brand new used Chrysler Magnums, you kno, wit da hemi. Dat ride be fine. You know wha I’m sayin.” When asked for verification if the voter had actually received a call, he said, “Well ya no, I axually got a call fum my cusin, hez da one who told me bout it. I shudda known betta, dat boy be smokin up a lot of weed. He high as a kite most  of da time. Dat fool. Ima smack him upside his head when I sees him.”

(Happyland, Oklahoma) As the presidential candidates wind down their campaigns, 2008 will go down in history as the most costly election. The non-partisan Center for Responsive Politics is estimating that, in total, all of the candidates will have spent a record $2.4 billion for this election. To gauge the public’s opinion on this new mark for campaign spending, the USAToday.com and Gallop asked over a thousand people, “Has too much been spent on the presidential campaigns?” Today they announced the surprisingly results, 70% of Americans agree that there has been excessive spending.

In other polls conducted by the USAToday.com and Gallop, they’ve also determined that most people get cheesed when their neighbor buys a new car before they do. In addition, in a shocking poll, they’ve announced that it really sucks when your coworker either, gets a raise before you, gets to go on the boondoggle training trip, or gets the cubicle by the window. These alarming polls come after last week’s results which determined that very few non-exempt workers think it’s cool for their boss to demand that they stay late for work.

Willie B. Hardigan, Senior Poller with Gallop, shared his take on these results, “Yessiree, we’re really getting good at these polls. In our staff meetings we sit around and share ideas about what questions might make good polls. Although most of the staff participate in the meeting over the phone, I think we get some really insightful questions from the group. But I have to tell you, we get pretty upset when people claim that we ask the most obvious fucking questions possible. If the questions are so easy, why does everyone seem to quote our polls every time we announce our results? … That’s what I thought!”

Editorial by senior political correspondent for the
Fake News Nightly, Mike Ock

(Hanoi, North Vietnam) The Fake News Nightly has learned some shocking news concerning Republican Presidential candidate John McCain. Apparently during the late 1960’s and continuing for approximately five and a half years, Senator McCain palled around with terrorists from North Vietnam, a known member of the Axis of Evil.

According to various reports, during this time period, Mr. McCain stayed at the Hanoi Hilton, which I personally have never been too. But most Hilton hotels are rated extremely well, so I imagine it was pretty nice. We’ve learned that during his stay at the Hanoi Hilton Mr. McCain was involved directly in enhanced interrogation with high leaders of the North Vietnamese terrorism network. One source reports that during his stay Mr. McCain issued the following statement:

“I am a black criminal and I have performed the deeds of an air pirate. I almost died and the Vietnamese people saved my life, thanks to the doctors.”

I don’t know about you, but I’m concerned about Mr. McCain’s continued association with North Vietnamese terrorists; an association lasting over five years. Even more confusing, while he was in North Vietnam he claimed that he was African American, which many now view as a cheap attempt to pander to the African American voter base. Critics of these findings and Mr. McCain himself claim that he was not a guest at the Hanoi Hilton, but a prisoner of war and subjected to constant torture. However, when we contacted leaders of the North Vietnamese government, they deny aggressively that Mr. McCain was a prisoner of war, but merely detained as an “enemy combatant”. In addition, they strongly deny that he was tortured, claiming instead he was merely involved in negotiations involving “enhanced interrogation techniques.”

Senator John McCain seen swimming with North Vietnamese terrorists,
presumably at the pool of the Hanoi Hilton.

Who is the “real” John McCain? What really happened during his stay at the Hanoi Hilton? What are his connections to the Axis of Evil? Do we want someone in the White House who has negotiated, without precondition, with leaders of a terrorist state? My friends, I tell you, I for one do not!

(Kansas City, Missouri) As the the country groans in response to the record breaking fund raising of Barrack Obama, Senator John McCain may be groaning the loudest. In harmony with Joe Sixpack, who only fears that the new $150 million raised by Obama can only mean an unrelenting stream of political advertisements on television, Senator McCain is worried that he’ll have to suffer through more Obama ads while he’s watching Fox News.

The Democratic candidate’s one-month figure is nearly double what Sen. McCain received in public financing for the final two months of the campaign. This excess has allowed Sen. Obama to out advertise Sen. McCain. For the week ending Monday, Sen. Obama spent nearly $39 million on TV ads versus about $16.7 million for the McCain campaign combined with the Republican National Committee, according to a Democratic official with access to ad-tracking data.

Senator McCain added, ” I really don’t mind that he is winning in the  campaign finance game. We know how well that worked out for Senator John Kerry, don’t we?”, he said with a wink. Continuing, he said, “No, it’s not that at all, I’m just sick of seeing his face while I’m trying to relax and enjoy some fair and balanced news on my favorite Fox News program, “Hannity & Colmes.”

(Washington, DC) In an interview Wednesday with CNN, the first lady, Laura Bush, said that Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin lacked sufficient foreign policy experience, but added that it was fortunate that John McCain did have foreign policy experience himself. Laura added, “You know it’s not unlike when George was campaigning for president with Dick Cheney, but like backwards, you know? It was George who lacked any real foreign policy experience, I mean heck, he was Governor of Texas, that’s nearly as far removed from foreigners as Alaska. Well there are a lot of Mexicans, but except for the illegals, they’re not much of a problem, right? So that doesn’t count.”

The first lady continued, “I’m thrilled to have a chance to vote for Palin on the GOP ticket. I think she has a lot of good common sense, which is really important for the potential leader of the most important country in the free world. It’s kind of fresh to have a journalism major enter the White House, not like all those stodgy lawyers that have been elected before.”

“I also think think that Palin is being treated unfairly because she is a woman. But I guess that is to be expected. I mean God knows if Obama had nominated Hillary Clinton instead of Joe Biden the Republican party would have been all over her like the sand covering our brave soldiers at war in Iraq,” said the first lady. In a follow-up question about Palin’s foreign policy experience, the first lady added, “I really don’t think her lack of foreign policy experience is going to be an issue. Just take my husband George as an example. As I mentioned he didn’t have much foreign policy experience and look at how great of a job he’s done! We’re all so proud of him!”

(Golden, CO) Yesterday between stops in Colorado, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama sat down with The Fake Nightly News. While the interview ranged over various topics, in this excerpt, Obama discusses the election and analyzes his campaign.

TFNN: “Some analysts are now wondering whether the McCain campaign is failing and has lost its way. What do you think?”

Obama: “I’d have to say that there is still a long time before the American people make their choice, so I think there is ample time for either candidate to lose this election. Frankly analysts say a lot of things, sometimes you agree with them and sometimes you don’t, but when they try to make it look like John McCain is doing something we aren’t, well it just gets my competitive juices going.”

TFNN: “So what are you saying?”

Obama: “I’m saying that people don’t really think I can lose this election, but you know what? They would be wrong. I can lose this election, I know I can. Gore blew his election, and so did Kerry. So it angers me when people think I can’t lose too. I can. And I’m willing to do whatever it takes to lose, just to show everyone what I’m capable of. I’m even willing to make some of the same mistakes as the Hillary campaign and the Kerry and Gore campaigns. I’m ready to go the distance to lose this election.”

TFNN: “You have mentioned that this election is about the issues, do you care to elaborate?”

Obama: “As I mentioned Gore and Kerry lost by focusing on the issues. And if I need to, I will too. If talking about the issues is going to make me lose the election, then I will. I will do whatever is necessary to lose in November. What people don’t understand is that voters seldom vote on the issues. Instead, they vote on five other factors — “character” factors: Values; Authenticity; Communication and Connection; Trust; and Identity. We’ve seen the light. When the Republicans attacked my charismatic leader persona, we gave up on it, why try to capitalize on that? That would just make our campaign stronger which is the exact opposite of what we are now shooting for.

So in contrast to our focusing on the issues what is McCain doing? Well, according to Rick Davis, McCain’s campaign manager, their campaign is “not about the issues.” You see we’re politicians we have to negate the other party, otherwise the voters will see that we’re not that different after all.

So in conclusion, our campaign is assuming that if you just tell people the truth, they will reason to the right conclusion. I trust the voters so much, I’m willing to let them reach the right conclusion, which is we’re right. And that’s what we are all about; being right. Of course, we’ll end up being right, but losing the election. Brilliant strategy, right? I knew you’d agree. Ha, and they said I couldn’t lose this election. I guess I showed them!“

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: othelmo da silva

(Washington, DC) Yesterday, the Dow Jones Industrial Average plummeted 504 points amid the news of Lehman Brothers Holdings bankruptcy and growing problems at American International Group (AIG). In response President George W. Bush spoke-up in an effort to reassure the public and investors that markets remain sound. President Bush said, “the changes sweeping through financial markets can be painful, but in the long run I am confident that our capital markets are flexible and resilient and can deal with these adjustments.”

Following the President’s remarks a weary and anxious nation breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that everything was going to be be just fine. And with a few calming words the President had soothed a jittery nation’s  nerves, much as he had done many times before. Like when he told the country on Sept. 2, 2005, “Brownie, you’re doing a heck of a job.” –to FEMA director Michael Brown, who resigned 10 days later amid criticism over his handling of the Hurricane Katrina debacle

Or on May 30, 2003 when he said, “We found the weapons of mass destruction. We found biological laboratories … And we’ll find more weapons as time goes on. But for those who say we haven’t found the banned manufacturing devices or banned weapons, they’re wrong, we found them.”

Or when atop the battleship USS Abraham Lincoln on May 1, 2003 he declared, “Major combat operations in Iraq have ended. In the battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed.”

We caught up with one concerned citizen and asked, “How do you feel after hearing Bush’s comments?” The autoworker from Indiana said,

“You don’t know how much better I feel to know that the fundamentals of the economy remain sound despite the Wall Street turmoil. I mean sure my 401K is worth half of what it was back in October of last year, my house is worth less than when I bought it, and it looks like they might be closing the plant I work in, but just to hear Mr. Bush tell me that everything is going to be all right, I feel much more positive. Of course I still got to figure out how to send my kids through college, but I know that John McCain will fix the economy. He believes everything is sound too. So I’m sure he’ll help me send my kids to school.”

(Washington, DC) “She’s my kind of leader,” claimed President George W. Bush when referring to Governor Sarah Palin during a press conference today. President Bush continued saying, “And the more I hear about the way she’s handled things up there in Alaska, the more I like her. Heck, I’m even starting to regret that I made Dick Cheney my Vice President. If I’d of known about Sara Palin eight years ago, I would have offered the Vice Presidency to her. Of course, back then she was only a mayor, so that wouldn’t have hunted as we say down in Texas. Of course, I mean if she had been the person she is now, only eight years ago. Hehe, is that still possible?”

As scrutiny of Governor Palin intensifies, more reports are appearing that show that, indeed, Palin has run her political office, much the same as many claim Bush has run his. Recent interviews show that Ms. Palin runs an administration that puts a premium on loyalty and secrecy. In one example, the governor and her top officials sometimes used personal e-mail accounts for state business; dozens of e-mail messages obtained by The New York Times show that her staff members studied whether using private e-mail accounts could allow them to circumvent subpoenas seeking public records.

In other similarities, as has been the case in the Bush White House, Governor Plain has placed many of her friends in key positions within the government, many of which, critics claim, have no qualifications. For example, when there was a vacancy at the top of the State Division of Agriculture, she appointed a high school classmate, Franci Havemeister, to the $95,000-a-year directorship. A former real estate agent, Ms. Havemeister cited her childhood love of cows as a qualification for running the roughly $2 million agency. Many jokingly look at the the Wasilla High School yearbook archive, which  now doubles as a veritable directory of state government. All of which bring back fond memories of Federal Emergency Management Agency director Michael D. Brown, and his masterful handling of hurricane Katrina. You can almost still hear President Bush’s praise, “Good job Brownie!”  ringing out among the stupidest things ever said.

“Like I said, she’s loyal, she’s tough on her opponents, and very intelligent (in a super-spy kind of way, which is cool). What’s not to like? She’s one tough cookie.” concluded President Bush.

Today Republican Vice Presidential candidate and Governor Sarah Palin conducted her first interview since giving her acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention. The interview was conducted by the respected ABC anchorman Charles Gibson. During the interview, Palin demonstrated that she has been learning very quickly from her mentors and coaches. Smiling proudly from just off camera, John McCain’s campaign manager Rick Davis shared his thoughts,

“Boy is this chick something. I mean, she’s only been practicing with her handlers for about two weeks and she has already mastered some of the finer spin tactics we perfected during the George W. Bush administration. Like for example when she said the important experience she brought to the table concerned her work on energy independence. Classic, truly classic. You see how she twisted her work as chairman of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission into working for energy independence? We’ve only seen that kind of finesse coming from the current Vice President. Especially when you know that the Commission is tasked to work in-hand with the oil industry to maximize production of oil. Does that sound like working for energy independence?”

After the interview we caught up with the Governor and had a few questions of our own. When asked how she thought her first interview went she said, “I’m pretty stoked about it. I looked Gibson right in the eye and fired back answers quicker than if they were coming from my M-16.” In response to our follow-up about how quickly she was ready to drop the “w” bomb, she answered “Yeah I said that war may be necessary if Russia invades another country. So What? You don’t like it, well how about I declare war on you and order the Alaskan National Guard on your ass? But you want to know a secret? I actually got a rush from saying it, just like my handlers told me I would. I even think my nipples got hard, did they get that on camera?”

And finally, when asked if it wasn’t too early to be warning Russia about war, she said, “I can’t believe you didn’t recognize that one. We’ve been having the folks over at Fox repeat that one for a while now. You see, according to our research, by warning Russia (and the world) not to invade other countries, we create the perfect setting for us to invade Iran. It’s almost like a post-hypnotic suggestion. It sets up in people’s mind that only America can invade countries, so when we do it, again, people see it fulfilling what they already thought was true. I know it’s kind of tricky, I hope I didn’t lose you. I didn’t get it either at first, but as you can see, if I’m anything, I’m a very fast learner. I’ve heard it took Alberto Gonzalez months to perfect this technique.”