The Fake News Nightly

You’ve had this happen to you, right? So you’re at the park playing with your son. Oh yeah and you’re both bears. Then Papa Bear (no not that Papa Bear, he doesn’t use toilet paper because he shits sadness, hate, and despair) notices that little Junior Bear has little toilet paper chunks clinging to his ass. Who hasn’t been in that position, right? I know that, personally, I love to play in the park naked with my son. Oh boy, good times. Anyway.

In an excluive interview with the Fake News Nightly, Papa Bear has finally broken his slience and spoken out about the abuses of big business. “I remember the day quite clearly. Me and Junior were at the park playing our usual game of terrorizing the tourists, when I noticed that his ass was covered with little turd and TP wads. It was soooo embarassing. We walked home in shame and that’s when we were approached by a representative of Charmin. He suggested that we use Charmin Ultra Strong. He said that if we liked it, he was interested in capturing our story and using it in a commercial. At first I was like: ‘Are you for real?’ Who’s gonna want to use toilet paper that bears use? I was thinking, ‘Doesn’t this nimrod know that we just wipe our ass on trees, bushes, or  grass? You know what ever’s handy?’”

Papa Bear continued, “I was a little skeptical at first, but after flashing all of those picnic baskets around, I said what the hey. He said it was going to be be tastefully done, but when I saw the depiction of my son with all of those TP wads stick to his ass, I was like this isn’t what I signed up for. My son and I feel totally degraded by the experience and are asking for an apology from Procter & Gamble.” When asked the status of his claim, he said, “well we’ve submitted our formal request for an apology, but we haven’t heard anything back. I think they’re giving us the cold backside.”

To gauge the public’s reaction to the bears in the commercial, we asked people walking in front of the FNN studios about the ad. One Mr. Seymour Butts responded unexpectedly. He said, “Bears? I don’t remember any God damned bears. All I remember is trying to wipe my ass with some wet toilet paper and a brick. Man that shit tore my ass up. I couldn’t sit down for a week. That’s the last time I take advice from cartoon bears.”

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: bookgrl

(Ordinary, KY) T-Mobile and Google have finally released the first version of the long awaited Google phone. Dubbed, G1, for Generic, release 1.0. The new phone is the first product powered by Google’s new open-platform mobile operating system called “Hemorrhoid.” Larry Page, co-founder of Google said during the release press conference, “While we may not be evil, that doesn’t mean we can’t be a real pain in the ass for all of the biggest technology companies we know.”

The phone was met with immediate questioning as to whether more time should have been taken to find a better product design. Many reporters and release party attendees felt that the G1 prototype displayed had a certain utilitarian look to it. Especially since many of those people already were carrying the sleeker and more elegant iPhone in their pocket or purse. When asked about the phones interface Page responded, “In this first release we focused on the functionality of the phone. We felt it was important to get this first release out early. Plus you have to remember that this was done by a bunch of engineers.“

With strong roots in the open source software community, besides running on top of Linux, Hemorrhoid also includes many other GPL, LGPL’d, and Apache Licensed components. In addition, the API of the Hemorrhoid platform is freely available, making the the first release of Generic 1.0 the most open smart phone on the market. “I think this accomplishment opens a lot of doors. For us, it’s a huge achievement, while it may not have the flash of an iPhone, the Generic 1.0 release is functional. With tight integration with Google Mail, Google Maps, we expect to release new versions rapidly and often. What can I say? It may not look pretty, but I assure you it works. It just works. And most importantly, it works on top of an open platform. The team of engineers that worked on the phone even adapted a new slogan. Open as in door, not open as in bar. We couldn’t be prouder”

(Climax, Michigan) Master Bation, Inc. has announced the availability of a new social network, MyPornSpace.com. The new social network, while designed to appeal to different target demographics is driven by a new patent pending social map connection system, which the company has dubbed the completion engine. While the social network was named and designed to resemble MySpace, Jack Knoff, founder and President of Master Bation claims to already have clearance from the MySpace.com legal department. “They said that we could launch the web site, but reserved the right to challenge the copyright violation at a later time. We figured, what the hell, if we can get a quick revenue stream going, it will be worth it. We can always migrate the web site to new domain.”

Master Bation decided to move into social networks as a result of recent report by Bill Tancer, general manager of global research at Hitwise. In his new book “Click: What Millions of People are Doing Online and Why It Matters,” Tancer claims that the increase in searches for social networking sites is directly affecting the number of searches for pornography , which are decreasing. “My theory is that young users spend so much time on social networks that they don’t have time to look at adult sites,” he says. “So we decided to go with the flow, instead of fighting it and combine pornography and social networks,” states Knoff.

MyPornSpace targets young urban professionals in the valuable 25-40 demographic. Within the new social network, interaction among users is anchored around virtual peep rooms which provide an easy way to manage one’s pornography collection, add shared movies and pictures, and receive personalized pornography recommendations. For models, actors, and publishers, MyPornSpace is a means of growing their brands and client bases at a low cost as well as improving customer service and building brand loyalty. Voyusers, which is what MyPornSpace calls their visitors, can share items from their pornography collection thus establishing a stimulating exchange with fellow voyusers. As voyusers add friends, they expand their network and increase their pornography network. A typical activity anticipated within the new social network is adding a comment on a voyusers profile thanking for the “monkey spank,” which is the action of adding a voyuser to your network.

“We’re looking to introduce young adults to a new world of social pornography. Although they do have to verify that they are at least 21 years old through a patent pending technology which asks them to enter their birth date. Then after analyzing a variety of proprietary variables, new users must “confirm” they are 21 by clicking on a button,” shared Knoff. Continuing, Knoff added, “We’re absolutely certain this will keep any one under 21 years old from entering the site. And I’m not just the founder of MyPornSpace, I’m also a voyuser. Look for my profile, I’ll be jackknoff.”

(Redmond, WA) In a surprising move, Microsoft Corporation has canceled the puzzling commercials featuring Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld. Referred to as those crazy ass commercials that don’t make any fucking sense, most television viewers had no clue what they were supposed to think about the spots. Many felt the commercials had a startling similarity to the television series Seinfeld, in that they seemed to be commercials about nothing.

To replace the ill conceived commercials, Microsoft is looking to leverage the popularity of television shows like The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and The Colbert Report in the critical 18-24 year old demographic. In a new series of advertisements, Stephen Colbert, author of the bestselling book “I am America (And so can you!) will attempt to rehabilitate the image of Windows by taking back the narrative and having a conversation about the real PC. The new ads, which will carry the theme “I am a PC (And so can you!)”, will show Microsoft “audaciously embracing” the phrase “I’m a PC.”

The counterattack strategy is typical for the ad agency, Crispin Porter & Bogusky , which was responsible for the successful advertising campaign for Burger King, which portrays a high-calorie meal as a rebellious personal choice for its target audience of young men. A Microsoft brand marketing manager told the The Fake News Nightly that, “Besides the TV ads, Microsoft is adding content to windows.com , creating a related site called lifewithoutwalls.com , and placing magazine and billboard ads depicting the process of restarting Windows after the ‘Blue Screen of Death.’ After seeing these advertisements everyone will recall just exactly what the real PC is about. Remember, just push the reset button!”

(Redmond, WA) As inventory of the Zune devices continues to back-up in warehouses, Microsoft Corporation has announced a new partnership to hopefully unload the excess inventory. In the new partnership McDonald’s Corporation will begin packaging a Zune portable media player in Happy Meal’s available in select McDonald’s restaurants. “While previous toys included with Happy Meals have been movie merchandising tie-ins, this new offer should expand the reach of our popular happy meals into the hot tweens demographic,” shared Mary Dillon, McDonald’s Global Chief Marketing Officer.

According to Robert Schaltenbrand, brand manager for Zune at Microsoft, “This is the perfect partnership for Microsoft and Zune. Unfortunately we have millions (well make that tens of millions) of units in storage and we need a way to unload them quickly. The Zune Happy Meal seems like the right offer at the right time.” The new Zune Happy Meal will coincide with the roll-out of the the newly released and, to some, much anticipated free software update that will bring new features to every Zune portable media player. The new software will allow Zune users to wirelessly stream and download music from the Zune Marketplace store on the go; tag and purchase songs directly from the built-in FM radio; and tap into new, personalized music recommendations and programming.

“To hopefully get something exciting happening for the Zune product line,  we are now working with high-speed Internet access provider Wayport Inc. to deliver Zune users free, wireless access to the Zune Marketplace from more than 9,800 participating McDonald’s restaurants across the US,” added Schaltenbrand.

(French Link, IN) Two year-old Megan Phillips is seen here admiring the world’s largest coffee table coaster in the pride of French Lick,”The Museum of Home Making Oddities”.

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: Team Frosick

“You can’t imagine what it’s like” emphasized Mick Ock, the newest litigant in a growing lawsuit against Ray Dan, makers of the new controversial “shamrock” sunglasses. According to the class action suit filed against Ray Dan, wearers of the “shamrock” sunglasses rapidly grow cross-eyed and report drastically impaired eye sight.

In an exclusive interview with Fake News Nightly, Mr. Ock shared his feelings. “I got the glasses as a gag one day for St. Patrick’s Day. They made my daughters laugh so much, I just kept wearing them. Well as the months went by,”, he shared with pain in his voice “I started to notice that my previously perfect eye sight was starting to blur. I went to an ophthalmologist to see what was the problem. Well after several tests the doctor gave me his diagnosis,” choking up as he continued. He told me that I was cock-eyed. I was like oh shit, I can just hear everyone now. Hear comes cock-eyed Ock! The mental anguish I experienced after that diagnosis was devastating. That’s why I’m joining the “cock-eyed” lawsuit against Ray-Dan. They have to pay for what they’ve done to me!”

President Bush today signed an emergency executive order calling for an investigation into the threat posed by piñatas. President Bush signed the order while on vacation in Bejing. Amidst enjoying the varied competition. The President took the necessary time to sign the executive order between watching the USA Women’s Beach Volleyball game and eating a hotdog.The Coalition for Safe Birthdays, which has been promoting their cause with the above video, said

“It is about time. This investigation is long overdue. The destruction, pain, and suffering caused by piñatas must be controlled. We are pleased that the President took the time to listen to our cause and we feel redeemed. Everyone in the Piñata Manufacturer’s Association will now be under Federal scrutiny and hopefully we’ll be able to follow this action up with legislation to make piñatas illegal and once again make birthdays safe for our children.”