The Fake News Nightly

(Dallas, TX) In yet another defeat of a number one ranked team, the Oklahoma Sooners fell to the Texas Longhorns in the Cotton Bowl. So far in the 2008-2009 Bowl Championship Series (BCS), there have been 2 major upsets. Oklahoma has followed USC, when they lost to Oregon State two weeks ago.

John G. Peters, President of Northern Illinois University and a member of the BCS Presidential Oversight Committee, commented upon the Sooners loss, “I mean really. What are these teams trying to do? Fuck up the whole BCS for everyone? Hey I’ll be the first to admit that the whole formula is a little complicated to explain, but when number 1 teams keep losing, it really screws things up. If it keeps going like this, we’ll see Ball State ranked number 1 before too long.”

In the long 103 game history of this rivalry, never before in their history have the two teams combined to score this many points, 80. Texas quarterback Colt McCoy, who lead the Longhorns to a victory with two touchdowns in the fourth quarter, said “Oh man, now the pressure is on us. We’ve got Missouri next week, and I can see us fucking up the whole thing.” When asked about a potential loss by Texas when they host Missouri, Peters added, “Those little shits had better bring their A game. We don’t want any more disruption this early in the season. I mean can you imagine if this keeps up, we’ll have Texas Tech playing Utah for the championship, that would really suck. It would kill ratings.”

(Los Angeles, CA) In a crushing loss for loyal Chicago Cubs’ fans, the Cubs lost 3-1 to the Los Angeles Dodgers. The loss meant a second straight season where the Cubs made the playoffs only to be swept in the first round. Unbelievably, between the two playoffs, the Cubs have only scored 12 runs in 6 games.

Many fans began asking, “How can a team with the best record in the National League flunk this badly and depart so early in the playoffs?” adding, “It’s more than a little mysterious.” Or is it? A rumor is surfacing that some of the Cubs key players actually enjoy playing on the team which has gone the longest with out winning a World Series.

A source close to the team claims that Cubs outfielder Alfonso Soriano, who went 1 for 14 in the series and was a strikeout victim for the final out of the Cubs’ season, is rumored to have said, “You wouldn’t believe the pity trim I get for playing for the Cubs. It’s like unbelievable, do you think I would jeopardize that? If we won, we’d be just like the Boston Red Sox. I’ve talked to those guys, and they told me they used to get freaky a lot more often before they won back in 2004. You hear what I’m saying?”

In a final interview, Chicago Cubs manager, Lou Piniella, commented, “Well this is sure a heart breaking loss for Cub fans. They really thought this was going to be their year, what with this being the 100 year anniversary since the Cubs last World Series Championship. But what can you do? Maybe next century.” Piniella then gave a wink, a small smirk, and walked away.

(Bejing, China) Just days after the closing ceremonies, the The Beijing Organizing Committee for the Games (BOCOG) of the XXIX Olympiad has made a startling announcement. After evidence surfaced drawing into doubt the validity of the opening and closing ceremonies, the BOCOG has announced that both activities were the work of very sophisticated computer graphics. While a previous announcement by the BOCOG indicated that only a part of the dazzling opening ceremonies were digitally enhanced at broadcast, they are now confessing that the both productiona were computer generated.

It seems after months and months of preparation, the original ceremonies were just not impressive enough. Liu Qi, Presient of the Executive Board of the BOCOG, said, “After much practice, we decided to generate the ceremonies using computer graphics. We setup these huge green screens and recorded all of the athletes marching into the stadium. Then at broadcast time we used computer generated images to fill in the background and the performers. We wanted the Americans to fear us after they saw the opening ceremony, and the live production was just no intimidating enough.”

The Fake Nightly News has confirmed this with a number of athletes that took part in the opening or closing ceremonies. Andreas Thorkildsen, Finnish gold medal winner of the javelin said, “It was really, really weird working in front of the green screens, but the BOCOG told us that if we released any information about the staged production before the Olympics we were going to be disqualified. I worked too hard to take that risk. They looked like they pretty serious about this, so I didn’t mess with them.”

(Bejing, China) As the last firework dies out in the sky above the Bird’s Nest a stunned United States takes a moment to reflect. With China winning, for the first time, the most gold medals of any country, the nation is left wondering, “Is this the end? Is this the end of our short dominance of the Summer Olympics?”

It was just a short 20 years ago that China wasn’t even among the top ten countries in the medal count, and now they lead all other countries in gold medals. Many Olympic commentators are pointing to the immense investment China made in ‘Project 119′; an ambitious plan to focus on the competitions in swimming, track and field, and water events such as canoe and sailboat which represented 119 gold medals in past Olympic Games. Many are saying that what we have witnessed is the birth of a new Olympic super-power.

The Fake News Nightly went to the streets to get some reactions to these historic 2008 Olympics. Here are some of the reactions:

“Oh man, the Olympics were on? Are they over? Did I miss ‘em. Oh damn.”

“I know who to blame for this embarrassment! I blame Walmart. Man all they sell is crap made in China. They’re taking all the profits we send to them buying crap we don’t need and they are buying themselves gold medals. We’re shopping at Walmart for cheap toys and they are shopping in the Olympics for gold medals.”

“You know, I never really noticed it. But I heard a reporter mention something about a lot of products being made in China. So I started looking around my house and there wasn’t one thing I turned over that didn’t have ‘Made in China’ stamped on it. Oh dear that’s troublesome; have you heard the new season of American Idol starts in January 2009?”

(Bejing, China) Cuban fans erupted in violent jubilation at the conclusion of Cuban fighter Angel Valodia Matos’ Olympic taekwondo match. Valodia Matos was fighting with Cha Dongmin of South Korea for the bronze medal semifinal match in the 176-pound weight class.

As other witnesses report, after the violent eruption from the Cuban fans, Matos’ was so excited that he started kicking and punching at everyone around. The referee, identified on the match report as Klay Thomas of Switzerland, was the first innocent victim of what Matos would later call his ass-kicking victory celebration. While Thomas declared the South Korean the winner, Matos, and his adoring fans, misunderstood the decision and the celebration began.

In an exclusive interview with The Fake News Nightly, Matos shares his story, “I was very, very confused. I had been hit in the head many times, and my eyesight was a little blurry. When the referee pointed at the winner, I really thought he pointed at me. At that moment it was like a dream come true. All my life I have been training in Cuba for this, you don’t know what it’s like, I went crazy. It was going to mean everything, and then I just sort of went crazy. You know a happy kind of I’m going to kick everyone’s ass crazy. I was in my ass-kicking victory celebration zone.”

After kicking the referee, Matos went on to knock-out his trainer, the water boy, a couple of cheerleaders, and then finally a couple of his relatives who were watching in the stands. When the madness drained from his body, Matos was informed that he had lost the bronze medal. His only words were, “Can I have asylum here in China? Cause when I get home I’m goinna have some splaing to do to Fidel and Raul, maybe I not make it back for another Olympics. Maybe I not see the light of day every again. Please can I stay here?”