The Fake News Nightly

(Paris, France) In a speech Thursday at Club Informatique des Grandes Entreprises Françaises, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer announced Microsoft’s plan to enter into the cloud computing fray. “Just as we have an operating system that crashes on the PC, on the phone, and on the server, we need a new operating system that will also crash on the Internet,” Mr. Ballmer said during the speech.

Ballmer added, “I bet we’ll call it Windows something. We are clever that way, you know. We’re going to announce it in four weeks, but who knows when we’ll actually release it. For now we’re calling it Windows Vapor. We were tempted to call it simply Windows Cloud, but given our track record of missing release dates, we figured we would have a little fun and call it Windows Vapor. You get it, as in vaporware. But seriously there is a scientific reason we picked Windows Vapor. You see clouds are mostly composed of water vapor, which forms small droplets of ice crystals. When surrounded by billions of other droplets or crystals they become visible as clouds. So you see in a very scientific way, vapor is the main component of clouds, thus making Windows Vapor, quite appropriate.

“Windows Vapor will be a place where you can run arbitrary applications up in the Internet, well not arbitrary, they’ll have to be .NET applications. So we need to remake our development platform. We’re tentatively calling the next version of our award winning development platform Visual Studio Vapor, which should be available some time in the future.”

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: Swamibu

(Washington, DC) On Tuesday the U.S. Senate passed the Webcaster Settlement Act , the legislation that lays the groundwork for Web radio stations to play songs that fall under the license without seeking permission. In return, Webcasters would be required to pay the negotiated rate. The bill is now headed to the White House where U.S. President George Bush is expected to sign it. While it is uncertain whether President Bush will sign the new bill, in a quick comment from the White House, the president said, “He he, I don’t know what I’m going to do about this Internets bill. But I can tell you that Laura and I think this whole Internets stuff is really great. Really great. I tell you, what will they think of next?”

Each of the presidential candidates were contacted to get their reaction to the bill and it’s potential impact. Barack Obama, the Democratic nominee was quick to respond, “Michelle and I have been on the road for almost two years now, and being able to tune into Pandora and listen to some familiar songs has given us a real sense of normality. You know what I’m saying? No matter where we traveled in this great country and met with the middle class, as soon as we could find a broadband Internet connection we’d spend some quiet moments together listening to Internet radio and snacking on some Arugula lettuce. We then imagine we weren’t sleeping in so many different places; you know it’s almost like being in Earth Wind & Fire on tour or something.”

After a little bit of delay, John McCain answered with an official statement, “Frankly I am  unable to respond to this bill because I’m a little confused. The last time I checked, radio is what I listen to when I’m in one of my 13 cars. And try as I might, I just don’t get what this has to do with the tubes of the Internets. Could someone please explain this to me?”

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: C.P.Storm

(San Francisco, CA) In the latest round of financing, Digg.com, which is one of the leading web sites offering users access to the most pointless information on the Internet, was estimated to be worth $175 million. The web site typically provides links, which are provided by users, of the most trivial and useless information, applications, videos, and images on the Internet.

In a press conference announcing the $28.7 million series C investment by Highland Capital Partners, Digg.com CEO Jay Adelson commented, “While it seems that Digg is not Google material, the demand for useless crap seems to have no bounds. Need proof? Would you believe me if I told you that traffic to the site has doubled in the last year; reaching more than 30 million monthly unique visitors?”

The Digg.com web site allows users to vote on which links are a complete waste of time and which are only slightly useless. Adelson added, “We’ve been impressed with the massive drag on US productivity, so with the new infusion of capital, we are going to implement Digg’s international growth strategy, which includes plans to expand Digg into other languages. We are looking forward to offering stupid shit in any language; soon we will have employees all over the world wasting their employer’s time. It’s going to be really cool.” Adelson concluded, “It’s truly amazing that a website with so much crap on it could be worth $175 million.”

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: Thomas Hawk

(Ordinary, KY) T-Mobile and Google have finally released the first version of the long awaited Google phone. Dubbed, G1, for Generic, release 1.0. The new phone is the first product powered by Google’s new open-platform mobile operating system called “Hemorrhoid.” Larry Page, co-founder of Google said during the release press conference, “While we may not be evil, that doesn’t mean we can’t be a real pain in the ass for all of the biggest technology companies we know.”

The phone was met with immediate questioning as to whether more time should have been taken to find a better product design. Many reporters and release party attendees felt that the G1 prototype displayed had a certain utilitarian look to it. Especially since many of those people already were carrying the sleeker and more elegant iPhone in their pocket or purse. When asked about the phones interface Page responded, “In this first release we focused on the functionality of the phone. We felt it was important to get this first release out early. Plus you have to remember that this was done by a bunch of engineers.“

With strong roots in the open source software community, besides running on top of Linux, Hemorrhoid also includes many other GPL, LGPL’d, and Apache Licensed components. In addition, the API of the Hemorrhoid platform is freely available, making the the first release of Generic 1.0 the most open smart phone on the market. “I think this accomplishment opens a lot of doors. For us, it’s a huge achievement, while it may not have the flash of an iPhone, the Generic 1.0 release is functional. With tight integration with Google Mail, Google Maps, we expect to release new versions rapidly and often. What can I say? It may not look pretty, but I assure you it works. It just works. And most importantly, it works on top of an open platform. The team of engineers that worked on the phone even adapted a new slogan. Open as in door, not open as in bar. We couldn’t be prouder”

(Redmond, WA) Unsatisfied from it’s unsuccessful bid to buy Yahoo Corporation, Microsoft Corporation completed a major purchase of Microsoft Corporation stock. Yesterday the company announced that they were buying $40 billion worth of Microsoft stock. The acquisition runs counter to a recent trend that has led many companies to conserve cash to cope with the slow economy and Wall Street’s meltdown.

Microsoft’s share purchase, to be spread over five years, is the single biggest repurchase disclosed this year, outstripping International Business Machines Corp.’s $15 billion plan announced in February. While the company continues to invest in online services despite the failed Yahoo bid, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer confirmed that “the stock repurchase signals the software maker isn’t planning any big acquisitions.”

The market reacted favorably to Microsoft’s purchase of Microsoft, as of 4 p.m. trading on the Nasdaq Stock Market, shares of Microsoft were up 24 cents at $25.40. Ballmer added,

“This is second massive purchase of Microsoft stock, as you’ll remember, we began buying $30 billion worth of Microsoft shares in 2004. Pretty soon we’ll have enough stock to complete our hostile takeover of Microsoft. As major shareholders of Microsoft we’re growing tired of their poor stock performance and their consistent production of inferior products. For the past six years the stock has traded below $30, and the Board of Directors of Microsoft believe it’s about time for a shake-up at Microsoft. We believe that with new leadership, the company can finally begin to address the stability issues of Microsoft Windows Vista. That should translate into a higher share price, which is what we’re most interested in at this time.”

(Climax, Michigan) Master Bation, Inc. has announced the availability of a new social network, MyPornSpace.com. The new social network, while designed to appeal to different target demographics is driven by a new patent pending social map connection system, which the company has dubbed the completion engine. While the social network was named and designed to resemble MySpace, Jack Knoff, founder and President of Master Bation claims to already have clearance from the MySpace.com legal department. “They said that we could launch the web site, but reserved the right to challenge the copyright violation at a later time. We figured, what the hell, if we can get a quick revenue stream going, it will be worth it. We can always migrate the web site to new domain.”

Master Bation decided to move into social networks as a result of recent report by Bill Tancer, general manager of global research at Hitwise. In his new book “Click: What Millions of People are Doing Online and Why It Matters,” Tancer claims that the increase in searches for social networking sites is directly affecting the number of searches for pornography , which are decreasing. “My theory is that young users spend so much time on social networks that they don’t have time to look at adult sites,” he says. “So we decided to go with the flow, instead of fighting it and combine pornography and social networks,” states Knoff.

MyPornSpace targets young urban professionals in the valuable 25-40 demographic. Within the new social network, interaction among users is anchored around virtual peep rooms which provide an easy way to manage one’s pornography collection, add shared movies and pictures, and receive personalized pornography recommendations. For models, actors, and publishers, MyPornSpace is a means of growing their brands and client bases at a low cost as well as improving customer service and building brand loyalty. Voyusers, which is what MyPornSpace calls their visitors, can share items from their pornography collection thus establishing a stimulating exchange with fellow voyusers. As voyusers add friends, they expand their network and increase their pornography network. A typical activity anticipated within the new social network is adding a comment on a voyusers profile thanking for the “monkey spank,” which is the action of adding a voyuser to your network.

“We’re looking to introduce young adults to a new world of social pornography. Although they do have to verify that they are at least 21 years old through a patent pending technology which asks them to enter their birth date. Then after analyzing a variety of proprietary variables, new users must “confirm” they are 21 by clicking on a button,” shared Knoff. Continuing, Knoff added, “We’re absolutely certain this will keep any one under 21 years old from entering the site. And I’m not just the founder of MyPornSpace, I’m also a voyuser. Look for my profile, I’ll be jackknoff.”

(Redmond, WA) In a surprising move, Microsoft Corporation has canceled the puzzling commercials featuring Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld. Referred to as those crazy ass commercials that don’t make any fucking sense, most television viewers had no clue what they were supposed to think about the spots. Many felt the commercials had a startling similarity to the television series Seinfeld, in that they seemed to be commercials about nothing.

To replace the ill conceived commercials, Microsoft is looking to leverage the popularity of television shows like The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and The Colbert Report in the critical 18-24 year old demographic. In a new series of advertisements, Stephen Colbert, author of the bestselling book “I am America (And so can you!) will attempt to rehabilitate the image of Windows by taking back the narrative and having a conversation about the real PC. The new ads, which will carry the theme “I am a PC (And so can you!)”, will show Microsoft “audaciously embracing” the phrase “I’m a PC.”

The counterattack strategy is typical for the ad agency, Crispin Porter & Bogusky , which was responsible for the successful advertising campaign for Burger King, which portrays a high-calorie meal as a rebellious personal choice for its target audience of young men. A Microsoft brand marketing manager told the The Fake News Nightly that, “Besides the TV ads, Microsoft is adding content to windows.com , creating a related site called lifewithoutwalls.com , and placing magazine and billboard ads depicting the process of restarting Windows after the ‘Blue Screen of Death.’ After seeing these advertisements everyone will recall just exactly what the real PC is about. Remember, just push the reset button!”

(Redmond, WA) As inventory of the Zune devices continues to back-up in warehouses, Microsoft Corporation has announced a new partnership to hopefully unload the excess inventory. In the new partnership McDonald’s Corporation will begin packaging a Zune portable media player in Happy Meal’s available in select McDonald’s restaurants. “While previous toys included with Happy Meals have been movie merchandising tie-ins, this new offer should expand the reach of our popular happy meals into the hot tweens demographic,” shared Mary Dillon, McDonald’s Global Chief Marketing Officer.

According to Robert Schaltenbrand, brand manager for Zune at Microsoft, “This is the perfect partnership for Microsoft and Zune. Unfortunately we have millions (well make that tens of millions) of units in storage and we need a way to unload them quickly. The Zune Happy Meal seems like the right offer at the right time.” The new Zune Happy Meal will coincide with the roll-out of the the newly released and, to some, much anticipated free software update that will bring new features to every Zune portable media player. The new software will allow Zune users to wirelessly stream and download music from the Zune Marketplace store on the go; tag and purchase songs directly from the built-in FM radio; and tap into new, personalized music recommendations and programming.

“To hopefully get something exciting happening for the Zune product line,  we are now working with high-speed Internet access provider Wayport Inc. to deliver Zune users free, wireless access to the Zune Marketplace from more than 9,800 participating McDonald’s restaurants across the US,” added Schaltenbrand.

(San Francisco, CA) Google Inc . has finally revealed their true identity. Amongst reports that the Web search giant is near a pact with the Devil to gain control over all advertising across every medium, Eric Schmidt, Chairmen and CEO of Google, confessed, “we’ve been lying all along. We really are very evil, as you will soon see. Once we close this deal with Beelzebub, then we will finally be in a position to do, well, basically whatever we fracking want.”

Schmidt continued, “We’ve been planning this for a while. First we wanted to makes sure we were on everyone’s browser, everyone’s computer, everyone’s network and then we would be ready. All your data is ours. With the signing of this new joint venture with our new partner Lucifer, Inc. the world has 24 hours to complete $1 Trillion worth of ad clicks or we will turn it all off. No cell phone service, no e-commerce, and especially no Internet.”

In this exclusive interview with The Fake News Nightly, Mephistopheles, President and CEO of Hell, Inc. shared his optimism for the new partnership,

“Yes, it’s true, we have been in negotiations with Google for a very long time. I’ve been coaching them on setting up this deal and I’m very enthusiastic about our merging.

With their technical acumen and my evil savvy, we should do extremely well together. While they will be getting all the money any human could ever possibly imagine, in exchange, I’ll be able to use their search history. What’s that? Oh how quant, you mean you actually believed that they weren’t storing all of your search records? Oh that is cute. Well, like I was saying, I’m going to be mining their search history to find the souls that are, oh what’s that expression you like to use? Oh yes, I’ll be attacking all of the low hanging fruit, which is to say everyone who already has the weaknesses I favor when I’m looking to claim some souls. As I’ve been told by the Google engineers, it’s looking like the Prince of Darkness, is going to be very busy indeed. Yes, how delicious, very busy. So for those of you who have been using Google’s search engine to explore your vices, your weaknesses, your fetishes, your ultimate fantasies, thinking you were anonymous and safe, and you know who you are, don’t be surprised when I come knocking. You’ll know your screwed when everything you have ever secretly wanted suddenly comes surprisingly true.”

(Cupertino, CA) Apple Corporation has finally declared all out war on Microsoft and the ubiquitous Microsoft Windows. Using what many are calling the most clever and devastating virus to have ever been used, the new iTunes 8 virus is quickly spreading and affecting Microsoft Windows Vista machines.

The iTunes 8 virus attacks machines installed with Microsoft Windows Vista. After a machine is infected, every time users connect an iPhone or iPod to their machines they’re getting Microsoft’s dreaded “blue screen of death,” the mystifying error message that signifies a PC meltdown. Some computers abruptly shut down and restart.

McAfee, Inc. makers of the popular line of antivirus solutions have activated their emergency response team to diagnose how the iTunes 8 virus replicates and infects machines. As of this moment, they have been unsuccessful in removing or disabling the virus. David DeWalt, Chief Executive Officer and President of McAfee admitted surprise in the bold attack by Apple Corporation. He said,

“Well it finally looks like Steve Jobs has acted on his threat of revenge against Microsoft Corporation. His hatred of Bill Gates and the company he founded has never been a secret, but most of us in the industry never thought he would make good on his promise to punish Bill. Steve patiently waited until Bill’s retirement and then launched the virus.

It’s very clear that Steve has been planning this for some time. The sophistication of the virus and the elegant way it spreads shows that the virus has been under development for years. We are especially stumped by how the virus encompasses several levels, because not only does it require infecting a Windows Vista machine but it also disables their iPhone or iPod. Which is like everyone right? It’s clear that Apple has declared war on Microsoft Vista users.”

In an uncharacteristic appearance, Steve Jobs, Chairman and CEO of Apple Inc, released a brief statement.

“Essentially, we’re sick of Microsoft and all their Microsoft Windows bullshit. As we continue to try to emphasize the importance of design and the crucial role aesthetics play in public appeal, they continue to produce crappy software that is just a plain annoyance. It seems that the farther forward we push the development of products that are both functional and elegant they respond with products that are barely functional and retarded.

Now that we’ve made everyone dependent on either the iPhone or iPod, we just refuse to allow them to work with Microsoft Windows Vista. This is war, either find a Macintosh to get your iPhone or iPod to work or by all means go out and get a Zune. Man every time we look at that piece of shit it makes us puke and then fall down laughing so hard that we are rolling in our own puke.

And to all you antivirus experts out there. Good luck cracking the iTunes 8 virus. We’ve incorporated some very advanced artificial intelligence that will make the virus mutate randomly, basically making it impossible to remove. Only your complete and utter surrender and adoption of Macintosh will stop the iTunes 8 virus. And to think, just a couple of weeks I was reported dead. Now I’m finally on the top of the world!”