The Fake News Nightly

In a gutsy move, Tom Delay, ex-Republican House Majority Leader, has agreed to participate in the smash reality television program ‘Dancing With the Stars.’ Shocking many, the 62 year old politician from Laredo, Texas will compete against a much younger field for the coveted championship for the 9th season of the program.

In an interview with FNN, Delay explained that he’s got dancing in his blood and “jumped at the chance” to join the cast. While it may be difficult to accept some politician’s at anything they claim, for this reporter, this is one claim that I think Delay can back up. Delay has a long career of dancing around dicey issues like accepting contributions from Russian oil executives, committing perjury during a civil lawsuit brought against him by a former business partner, or pirouetting his way through a tricky campaign finance investigation which ended with the indictment of several of his associates, as well as Jack Abramoff.

No, Delay is very light on his feet, having survived a lifetime of tainted politics, which forced him from the majority leadership and eventually out of public office for good. “I love dancing … you’ve got to love dancing if you’re from Texas,” DeLay told Chris Cuomo on “Good Morning America.” “Especially if you find yourself in elected office. I mean just look at President George W. Bush. There’s another great example of a Texas politician that was able to Two-Step through some of the trickiest and potentially damning situations ever to touch the White House.”

Known as “The Hammer,” a nickname given for his ability to hammer legislation through Congress, Delay is optimistic about his opportunities. “Heck, if I’ve Hustle-ed my way out of repeated conspiracy charges, I should be able to Viennese Waltz my way through this competition.”

You’ve had this happen to you, right? So you’re at the park playing with your son. Oh yeah and you’re both bears. Then Papa Bear (no not that Papa Bear, he doesn’t use toilet paper because he shits sadness, hate, and despair) notices that little Junior Bear has little toilet paper chunks clinging to his ass. Who hasn’t been in that position, right? I know that, personally, I love to play in the park naked with my son. Oh boy, good times. Anyway.

In an excluive interview with the Fake News Nightly, Papa Bear has finally broken his slience and spoken out about the abuses of big business. “I remember the day quite clearly. Me and Junior were at the park playing our usual game of terrorizing the tourists, when I noticed that his ass was covered with little turd and TP wads. It was soooo embarassing. We walked home in shame and that’s when we were approached by a representative of Charmin. He suggested that we use Charmin Ultra Strong. He said that if we liked it, he was interested in capturing our story and using it in a commercial. At first I was like: ‘Are you for real?’ Who’s gonna want to use toilet paper that bears use? I was thinking, ‘Doesn’t this nimrod know that we just wipe our ass on trees, bushes, or  grass? You know what ever’s handy?’”

Papa Bear continued, “I was a little skeptical at first, but after flashing all of those picnic baskets around, I said what the hey. He said it was going to be be tastefully done, but when I saw the depiction of my son with all of those TP wads stick to his ass, I was like this isn’t what I signed up for. My son and I feel totally degraded by the experience and are asking for an apology from Procter & Gamble.” When asked the status of his claim, he said, “well we’ve submitted our formal request for an apology, but we haven’t heard anything back. I think they’re giving us the cold backside.”

To gauge the public’s reaction to the bears in the commercial, we asked people walking in front of the FNN studios about the ad. One Mr. Seymour Butts responded unexpectedly. He said, “Bears? I don’t remember any God damned bears. All I remember is trying to wipe my ass with some wet toilet paper and a brick. Man that shit tore my ass up. I couldn’t sit down for a week. That’s the last time I take advice from cartoon bears.”

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: bookgrl

(Hollywood, CA) Tonight, the new season of the highly successful television series Heroes premiered on NBC. After being cut short in the season-ending writers strike, the writers unveiled the most amazing super power yet seen on the science fiction program. In what many are calling the profit ability, the writers have forged a television show that turns a large collection of basically unknown actors into one of the hottest programs on the air and on the Internet. Through a combination of hi-tech special effects, compelling comic book story telling, and just the right amount of comedy and sexiness, Heroes continues to rack up large ratings.

Between the countdown to the season premiere and the back to back airing of the first two episodes of season three, “The Second Coming” and “The Butterfly Effect,” the ability to generate high ad revenues and high audience share could mean trouble for the other networks. But, perhaps the biggest challenge for the show’s new super power is winning back fans who were affected by last season’s super power, the boredom factor. Lulled nearly to sleep by the dreadfully long interlude in ancient Japan, the show has to come back with some surprises. If they can’t deliver what fans are longing for, maybe the creators will be forced to use one of the most frequent super powers used on the series. As fans have seen, whether it is self-healing, healing others, or the unexplainable circumstances that allows most of the characters to rise from the dead, no one seems to ever die on the show. So maybe the creators of Heroes can harness this never say die attitude to keep the show going for years, exploiting their profit ability.

(Flint, MI) Looking to expand their search for the next American Idol sensation, Fox Broadcasting Company recently conducted an audition in the heart of the bedraggled city of Flint Michigan. Organizers of the audition believed that the close proximity to Detroit Michigan, and the fabled history of the town would produce record numbers for the audition. Ryan Seacrest, host for the chart topping American Idol, is reportedly the mastermind behind the Flint audition. Seacrest claims that he saw the name of Flint Michigan appear in a dream, and woke up convinced the next diamond in the rough was stuck in the bowels of the industrial town.

According to sources in the studio, the entire management team is stunned at the complete lack of interest from the people of Flint. We contacted judge Randy Jackson who said, “We told him it was a stupid idea, but he wouldn’t listen.” In a separate interview, fellow judge Paula Abdul said, “I was like, I dunno Ryan. But if you believe in your dream, I believe in it too. Later I was like really happy and everything when we booked our tickets to Flint. It was exciting thinking about returning back to Flint. I remember performing there on my ‘Forever Your Girl’ tour. It was real sad that no one showed up. I guess they don’t love us here in Flint.”