(Joes, Colorado) Today, a coalition of regular guys all over America, who all also happened to be named Joe have banned together in solidarity. The group is claiming that Joe the Plumber is receiving unfair attention. Joe Plumber became the latest media darling last week when he stopped Senator Barack Obama during a visit to his block. Then Joe the Plumber was rocketed into media stardom when during last night’s final presidential debate,  Senator John McCain invoked Joe the Plumber around two dozen times during the 90 minute debate.

In a press release from the “Coalition of Joes”, they state, “We, the Coalition of Joes are calling upon the presidential candidates and the media to stop using Joe the Plumber as a generic reference to the middle class. There are many hard working Joe’s all over these United States and we believe it is discriminatory to only reference Joe the Plumber. We call upon Joe the Newscaster, Joe the Pollster, and Joe the Cameraman to join us in solidarity.” The press release is signed by Joe Mechanic, Joe Blow, Joe Electrician, Joe Kerr, and Joe Sixpack.

In an exclusive interview with The Fake News Nightly, Joe Sixpack shared his indignation, “It really sucks. This guy comes out of nowhere and he gets all of this attention. It just goes to show you how fickle the media can be. One week you’re da shit, and the next week you’re like nobody. Know wha I’m sayin?”

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: atconc

(Santa Monica, CA) Leaders of the largest social network MySpace are noticing an overwhelming response to the release of their newest advertising product, MyAds. The new self service ad platform allows anyone to quickly create a targeted ad and serve it on MySpace. Currently, the platform only allows display ads. Users can choose between a 728×90 or 300×250 ad unit and can create an ad with pre-built templates and a Flash tool, or upload their own.

MySpace users responded quickly by increasing the sensitivity of their “Who gives a shit” (crap) filter. The filter, which has a surprisingly high accuracy, can correctly detect advertisements on the Internet. Once activated the filter will cause advertisements to fade into the background of a web page, causing them to appear nearly invisible. One user who asked to remain nameless, for fear of retaliatory suspension from MySpace, said “I think it’s really lame. I simply throw up the crap filter and keep on surfing profiles looking for new add opportunities. Who gives a shit about those lame ads?”

Chris DeWolfe, CEO of MySpace expressed frustration at the response to MyAds, “Man I just get so pissed. We’re trying to build a business here. Don’t these people understand this? I mean what are supposed to do? Just make everything on the Internet free and advertising free too?”

(Dallas, TX) In yet another defeat of a number one ranked team, the Oklahoma Sooners fell to the Texas Longhorns in the Cotton Bowl. So far in the 2008-2009 Bowl Championship Series (BCS), there have been 2 major upsets. Oklahoma has followed USC, when they lost to Oregon State two weeks ago.

John G. Peters, President of Northern Illinois University and a member of the BCS Presidential Oversight Committee, commented upon the Sooners loss, “I mean really. What are these teams trying to do? Fuck up the whole BCS for everyone? Hey I’ll be the first to admit that the whole formula is a little complicated to explain, but when number 1 teams keep losing, it really screws things up. If it keeps going like this, we’ll see Ball State ranked number 1 before too long.”

In the long 103 game history of this rivalry, never before in their history have the two teams combined to score this many points, 80. Texas quarterback Colt McCoy, who lead the Longhorns to a victory with two touchdowns in the fourth quarter, said “Oh man, now the pressure is on us. We’ve got Missouri next week, and I can see us fucking up the whole thing.” When asked about a potential loss by Texas when they host Missouri, Peters added, “Those little shits had better bring their A game. We don’t want any more disruption this early in the season. I mean can you imagine if this keeps up, we’ll have Texas Tech playing Utah for the championship, that would really suck. It would kill ratings.”

(Relief, KY) Naughty America, a porn production company in Southern California, has launched an Adobe Air-based storefront which may soon be called the “iTunes for Porn.” The new store is called Naughty America Direct and features full-length DRM-free scenes for $1.99 that are fully cumpatible with the iPod and iPhone.

Many experts in the moble hand-held gadget field believe that the new storefront will create more problems than when a stunned American Airlines started to offer free WIFI service on domestic flights, to only find passengers using the service to watch pornography. Gadget guru Harry Johnson said, “With all of the iPods and iPhone out there, I can guarantee you that people are going to be watching Naughty America Direct scenes all over the place. The price per clip seems pretty much perfect: it’s less than a large coffee at Starbucks, and will provide me with several times the enjoyment.”

When asked about the potential for public disruption and inappropriate viewing, Naughty America’s law firm, Dixon, Cox, and Peters, respnded, “We trust that all of Naughty America Direct’s customers will exercise great discretion when viewing the downloaded clips. However, we feel that we are only responding to pent-up demand and providing some relief.”

Jack Goff, a spokesman for Naughty America, added “Why should people pay $30 a month for scenes you won’t ever watch? With Naughty America Direct, you only pay for the quality adult entertainment you want. Naughty America Direct makes it easy to purchase and download the best adult entertainment on the market. And with our ever-growing content library, you’ll always be able to enjoy yourself. Of course, only privately, and with great discretion. And remember, when it comes to mobile pornography, nobody does it better!”

(Los Angeles, CA) In a crushing loss for loyal Chicago Cubs’ fans, the Cubs lost 3-1 to the Los Angeles Dodgers. The loss meant a second straight season where the Cubs made the playoffs only to be swept in the first round. Unbelievably, between the two playoffs, the Cubs have only scored 12 runs in 6 games.

Many fans began asking, “How can a team with the best record in the National League flunk this badly and depart so early in the playoffs?” adding, “It’s more than a little mysterious.” Or is it? A rumor is surfacing that some of the Cubs key players actually enjoy playing on the team which has gone the longest with out winning a World Series.

A source close to the team claims that Cubs outfielder Alfonso Soriano, who went 1 for 14 in the series and was a strikeout victim for the final out of the Cubs’ season, is rumored to have said, “You wouldn’t believe the pity trim I get for playing for the Cubs. It’s like unbelievable, do you think I would jeopardize that? If we won, we’d be just like the Boston Red Sox. I’ve talked to those guys, and they told me they used to get freaky a lot more often before they won back in 2004. You hear what I’m saying?”

In a final interview, Chicago Cubs manager, Lou Piniella, commented, “Well this is sure a heart breaking loss for Cub fans. They really thought this was going to be their year, what with this being the 100 year anniversary since the Cubs last World Series Championship. But what can you do? Maybe next century.” Piniella then gave a wink, a small smirk, and walked away.

(Paris, France) In a speech Thursday at Club Informatique des Grandes Entreprises Françaises, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer announced Microsoft’s plan to enter into the cloud computing fray. “Just as we have an operating system that crashes on the PC, on the phone, and on the server, we need a new operating system that will also crash on the Internet,” Mr. Ballmer said during the speech.

Ballmer added, “I bet we’ll call it Windows something. We are clever that way, you know. We’re going to announce it in four weeks, but who knows when we’ll actually release it. For now we’re calling it Windows Vapor. We were tempted to call it simply Windows Cloud, but given our track record of missing release dates, we figured we would have a little fun and call it Windows Vapor. You get it, as in vaporware. But seriously there is a scientific reason we picked Windows Vapor. You see clouds are mostly composed of water vapor, which forms small droplets of ice crystals. When surrounded by billions of other droplets or crystals they become visible as clouds. So you see in a very scientific way, vapor is the main component of clouds, thus making Windows Vapor, quite appropriate.

“Windows Vapor will be a place where you can run arbitrary applications up in the Internet, well not arbitrary, they’ll have to be .NET applications. So we need to remake our development platform. We’re tentatively calling the next version of our award winning development platform Visual Studio Vapor, which should be available some time in the future.”

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: Swamibu

An Editorial by Mike Ock

Today I had the strangest feeling. And I’m sorry if this gets too personal, but I’m just relating what I felt. Late in the afternoon, I had the overwhelming sensation that something was attempting to penetrate my anus. Since this was such an unexpected sensation, I instantly clenched my butt checks together. However, the sensation grew more intense and the pressure on my ass intensified.

After resisting this sensation for what seemed like hours, but was really more like minutes, I grew exhausted and surrendered. I wasn’t prepared for what happened next, I definitely felt something ram into my ass. The pressure was insane as the sensation grew and receded in a rhythmical pattern.

After this went on for a few minutes it finally dawned on me, someone was plowing my backfield. It was unmistakable. Someone was definitely having their way with my back door. Now I’m not a stranger to driving the Hershey highway. Occasionally the missus will get randy and encourage me to go to brown town, but I’m always pitching. For the first time I had the overwhelming sensation of receiving. While the sensation continued I immediately gained a new found respect for my wife as the pain began to intensify in my rectum.

Thankfully after about fifteen minutes the sensation stopped. While the attack was over, my ass was still sore and I had a little bit of trouble walking. Checking around on the web, I’ve found similar reports by other people throughout the nation. Strangely enough the feeling happened at the same time all across the country. No suggestions have been made to explain this unusual phenomenon.

I for one found the experience extremely humiliating. I had the odd feeling that somehow I had been used, raped even. Of course the notion of being sodomized by a phantom assailant was not something I was going to forget anytime soon.And I don’t that other victims around the country will either. I will offer a little friendly advice. If you don’t have a tube lying aroun, head to the pharmacy and buy some Preparation H , it helps, a little.

In other news, this afternoon the House of Representatives passed the $700 billion bailout plan and  President George Bush immediately signed the plan into law.

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: Jorge De Silva

(Washington, DC) On Tuesday the U.S. Senate passed the Webcaster Settlement Act , the legislation that lays the groundwork for Web radio stations to play songs that fall under the license without seeking permission. In return, Webcasters would be required to pay the negotiated rate. The bill is now headed to the White House where U.S. President George Bush is expected to sign it. While it is uncertain whether President Bush will sign the new bill, in a quick comment from the White House, the president said, “He he, I don’t know what I’m going to do about this Internets bill. But I can tell you that Laura and I think this whole Internets stuff is really great. Really great. I tell you, what will they think of next?”

Each of the presidential candidates were contacted to get their reaction to the bill and it’s potential impact. Barack Obama, the Democratic nominee was quick to respond, “Michelle and I have been on the road for almost two years now, and being able to tune into Pandora and listen to some familiar songs has given us a real sense of normality. You know what I’m saying? No matter where we traveled in this great country and met with the middle class, as soon as we could find a broadband Internet connection we’d spend some quiet moments together listening to Internet radio and snacking on some Arugula lettuce. We then imagine we weren’t sleeping in so many different places; you know it’s almost like being in Earth Wind & Fire on tour or something.”

After a little bit of delay, John McCain answered with an official statement, “Frankly I am  unable to respond to this bill because I’m a little confused. The last time I checked, radio is what I listen to when I’m in one of my 13 cars. And try as I might, I just don’t get what this has to do with the tubes of the Internets. Could someone please explain this to me?”

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: C.P.Storm

(Washington, DC) Congressional leaders gathered today after the $700 bailout failed to pass in the House of Representatives to declare a small victory in their long term plan to save the US economy. According to House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank, “We are following a strategy of tough love when it comes to the economy. We feel that it is very important at this stage in the crisis to not enable the many failing financial institutions. If we give them hope by buying their bad debt they’ll only repeat the same mistakes. It’s critical that the economy hit rock bottom and voluntarily admit that it has a problem before we extend a helping hand.“

Standing in solidarity with Frank, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi stated, “We know what it’s like to see someone go through this. Think of the economy like your alcoholic uncle or brother. Our purpose in working with the economy is to help it ‘to stay away from high risk and help other world economies to achieve a healthy level of risk.”

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson added, “Sure it’s painful to see the economy and all of our citizens suffer. No one wants to see anyone go through this, but if we don’t see this through, we’ll only be right back here in a few years at the same brink of economic collapse. After today’s record losses on Wall Street, I think we’re finally seeing some signs that the economy is on the verge of breakthrough. Everything is coming down around the economy, the mortgage crisis, the credit shortage, the tanking housing prices, and now the collapsing stock market. We can see the light at the end of the tunnel, we’re almost certain that the economy is close to admitting that it is powerless over risk. If that happens, then we’ll see the economy finally see that it has become unmanageable. When that happens, we’ll be there to help the economy pick up the pieces, but I assure you we’re committed to let the economy totally fail.”

(San Francisco, CA) In the latest round of financing, Digg.com, which is one of the leading web sites offering users access to the most pointless information on the Internet, was estimated to be worth $175 million. The web site typically provides links, which are provided by users, of the most trivial and useless information, applications, videos, and images on the Internet.

In a press conference announcing the $28.7 million series C investment by Highland Capital Partners, Digg.com CEO Jay Adelson commented, “While it seems that Digg is not Google material, the demand for useless crap seems to have no bounds. Need proof? Would you believe me if I told you that traffic to the site has doubled in the last year; reaching more than 30 million monthly unique visitors?”

The Digg.com web site allows users to vote on which links are a complete waste of time and which are only slightly useless. Adelson added, “We’ve been impressed with the massive drag on US productivity, so with the new infusion of capital, we are going to implement Digg’s international growth strategy, which includes plans to expand Digg into other languages. We are looking forward to offering stupid shit in any language; soon we will have employees all over the world wasting their employer’s time. It’s going to be really cool.” Adelson concluded, “It’s truly amazing that a website with so much crap on it could be worth $175 million.”

Photo Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons: Thomas Hawk